My Blog

Well tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 49. Next year I turn 50. :'(  I will wait ten more years--- or well I mean until I am 58. Someone gives my hopes up and doesn't intend on sticking around. I am wasting away and piddling away. I everyone says it takes time for some to do things. Does it?     

It seems like that I want to do everything but I don't have the kind of money to do so. I want a Maddie by Bonnie Brown reborn then I want a silicone reborn baby.  When I was in junior high or even high school I wanted a baby someday, but now not so sure. I don't even have the capability to do so.  For starters, I am too immature and I am so naive and insecure.  For me to bring up that topic for a selective mutism individual. It seems like just the other day my dad was saying to my mom that I would be married with 6 kids if I could talk.  Yes, he is probably right that is.  Also, If I could talk, I would be able to travel the world, be on my own, get married and have at least one baby.  Chances are it wouldn't have selective mutism, I don't think?  And now?  I am so old and crusty down there that it is dried up down there and that the baby will end up having down syndrome or something. Or worse than that Selective Mutism and I know what it is like...

I really wish that girlfriend now wife, Jennifer hadn't shown up and messed up our plans. But things happen and he's got to do what he's got to do. I know that now and I'm happy for him.  But does Jennifer know about AJ's wife he has in Indiana?  She probably does know about his wife in Indiana that she refuses to divorce him.  I love him as a friend with all of my heart and I don't want AJ to get in trouble anymore.  

I wrote this poem back in 2017 on this day of December 26. Would It Be Okay? By: Pamela A. Wyatt Would it be okay, If I took some time today. Would it be okay, If I spent another dime. Would it be okay, If I expressed my feelings, apart. To say them with my heart. To get to do all the things, That I want to do. When I feel comfortable enough To speak to you. To pull you close, And whisper in your ear. To tell me that It’s okay to live anywhere else, As long as it’s near. ----‐--------‐-------- Well like I said. I write poems and don't even know what they mean half the time.  So if Jennifer gets mad at me it is all my fault that I don't know how to write poems.  All of my poems are unstructured poems. 

That anxiety is going wild tonight.  I am wondering what happened to my best friend.  I'm scared to message him and I'm scared to call him.  I am even more scared that he's going to yell at me for calling or messaging him.  :'(  Maybe I should just leave well enough alone and just leave him alone for awhile.  But I miss him.  I want him back in my arms.  :'(  I know I shouldn't worry about him but I am.  He's my friend and I love him and it's not that same kind of love is it?  

December 20, 2012 was the day I was triggered by well I knew it was about granmaw and I didn't know how to take it or even talk about it over with someone that lived down the hall from me. I could have tried to write something down and she could have told Marcy everything. Including one of the elderly men trying to hit on me when I didn't want him to.  I could have still been over there at the apartment today.  And today my dad said that I was knocking dishes around how can I put dishes up then without making some kind of little noise it makes?  Ugh! I wanted to cry. Oh God is that menopause symptom or it could have been because of "my friend" this week ugh for Christmas really. 

Today.... when I was getting out of the shower it felt like I was on a boat and I was swaying.  I took an ativan as soon as could and listened to an 8 minute guided meditation and I didn't fall asleep. *thumbs up*  Can't fall asleep because I have groceries coming between 2pm and 3pm.  Well the groceries from Walmart was delayed for about 4 hours. It got delivered around 5pm.  I was very patient and waited. I decided to meditate to meditation music and then I fell asleep.  It never fails.  How do I not fall asleep during meditation?   You wanna know what helps to lose weight for starters saying that you love your body exactly as it is -- is key to dropping the pounds!  If you are struggling during your workout, say this affirmation either out loud or to yourself.  "My body is beautiful in this moment and at it's current size".