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Name one or two anxious thoughts you've had over the past few days. I had one anxious thought about the cruise ship and one about turning 50.  First about the ship.  Whoa! that's a long way down the gulf of Mexico.  *whistles*  Like what if something happens.  No, I just have to trust in the process of life that everything will be fine.  Everyone will be safe on the cruise ship. Now the BIG 5 - 0!  I want a big party but not sure everyone would go for that. But a big party to them might be close family and not Jason invited and it would be on a Saturday evening.  Still want boiled shrimp. By then, there would be "Pamela overcomes selective mutism party.   I already know that I will be alone for my 50th birthday and all the rest of my life because I am flying solo for the rest of my life.  :'(  I will be alone the rest of my life because someone ditched me--but that's okay. I am used to the pain.  I will be okay hopefully....

Last night I had a panic attack about a third cruise I am going on. I kept tossing and turning. I got up to pee and laid back down and listened to a meditation for calming the mind by mindful movement on youtube. Yes, I pay for youtube. It's hard to meditate when you have to click ad and then go back meditating. It messes you up during meditation---and I'm being serious.   Being in an interior cabin on a ship, you don't know what is happening.  The boat rocks and it is kind of rough.  I guess anxiety attack is like being on a cruise ship for two weeks.  I have never been on a cruise for two weeks.  This cruise will be my first time.  *whistles* all the way down there to Panama.  Man, that's a long way.  But damn that will be fun once I get the anxiety over with.  Okay, I will have the SM card around my neck and one anxiety ring on my finger.  Yeah, just one piece of jewelry and a couple of earrings.  What I need to find on the ...