My Blog

One of my favorite memories comes from when I was about 2 or 3 years old. I remember running out to my grandmother’s car and shouting, “I’ll drive, Granmaw!” She thought it was adorable and funny. It also makes me think of the times I was quiet and the rare moments I’d speak up, like asking my Uncle Max, “Are you comfortable?” My mom always said I didn’t talk much. The memory that brings me the most joy is one Granmaw told me over and over. I vividly recall her driving up to our house on Broadmoor and giving me a doll I named Babyblue, though I’m not sure why. I also remember my dad giving me a red teddy bear I named Reddi, which I took everywhere—even to Granmaw’s house for sleepovers. One day, while she was putting on boots with her foot propped up on the table, I copied her to put my shoes on and ended up falling over.  hummm.... The time that dad gave me that red teddy bear.  Was it before or after I was diagnosed with selective mutism?   

I just had a memory of my granmaw. I was a little older then. My granmaw was grunting and groaning when she was putting some socks and shoes on.  She told me never get old and fat. And guess what I got old and fat. Well I couldn't do anything about the getting older part but I can do something about the getting fat part. LOL 😆 and we both laughed. If the other person laughed then I guess it was okay to laugh. 

I’ve made it through life with selective mutism and just 12 years of schooling. Learning has always been the toughest thing for me to grasp, and at times, I feel like I haven’t learned much at all. Still, over the years, I’ve come to understand more about myself from what others who have noticed in me.

I remember one childhood memory when I was at my Granmaw's house.  I was about three years old.  Standing by my Granmaw's house and 

Yeah I made that mistake on December 20, 2012.  I kinda had to agree on it because I was in no position to make decisions regarding my mental and physical health.  I had failed to stand up for myself.  I knew that I needed to go into the hospital.  She did not believe me.  I tried to tell my mom that my medicine was going haywire on me, but she would not believe me.  My mom kept telling me that I wanted off all my medications.  I am sorry but that is the dumbest thing that she has ever said.  No, that could not be further from the truth.  I wanted to tell my doctor that my medications were not working anymore and to be put on new medications that would work.  I wasn't sure how to phrase it.  That was in December 2012.  

Does it count those people who are online?  Or are they not real people?  I am the only one who understand them.  Every why question needs to have a good answer.  Since I am unable to produce a good answer, then I am not going or doing anything because it will not be safe.  That is my mom's anxiety not mine.  They don't want to take me anywhere although the thought has crossed my mind back in 2014 and 2021.  They just want to be good friends.  I guess that is what ruins a relationship is jealousy.