My Blog

My future?  Well I would like to get an apartment with support, but I don't think that is happening.  I would like to be around other people who have selective mutism and autism but I don't think that is happening just yet.  Plus I don't know if people with selective mutism and autism would even like me.  Everyone just tells me that I just leave things out when I talk if I am able to talk.  

I just had a panic attack.  Not sure what caused it though, but I breathed right through it.  

When I watch NKOTB or Boston Blue a show that Donnie Wahlberg is on, also a member of NKOTB.  I also feel most content when I am journaling.  I have been journaling since September 2012 as that is when the anxiety attacks started happening.  It really started in July 2012.  You wanna know something else... People said I looked angry when really I think that it was anxiety attacks.  Anger can look like anxiety attacks.  I just had to go with what people said I had and that was anger until I had more information on selective mutism.   Tell me if this is true.  I believe that we are responsible for our own happiness but when it comes to our safety, other people have to step up.  This is when a person was little or I mean when they were three and they were responsible for their own happiness and their parents had to step up when it came down to their safety.   What would people say when I ask "who am I?"  I don't know who I am...

The most yelling I have ever heard was from Becky and Robert Young a family friend. Maybe they even yelled at me whenever they were watching me when my mom and dad were at work. They may have punished me or made me face a wall or something because I couldn't ask to use the bathroom and well there were accidents. My sister might have yelled at me a few times but that was my nervous system remembering that trauma? if that is the word I am looking for? Shut up I'm talking now. I just need to know if this is all true. These people may not remember any of this but my nervous system remembers and it's not letting me find my voice of some sort. Below is what I found. do kids develop selective mutism when their parents or siblings or even distant relatives yell at them? Here’s the clearest, research‑grounded answer: 🌱 Short answer Yes — chronic yelling, harsh criticism, or unpredictable anger in the home can contribute to the development of selective mutism in some children...

Why does everything have to pop up like it did when I was 5 years old?  Well it feels like it. I remember it just like this.  I was diagnosed with selective mutism then that dam dog TJ bit me on the nose (i still have the scar on my nose from the dog and I still think about that dam incident) and then something was wrong with my nose and I had to wear a bandage on my nose of some sort.  Then there was an accident back in 1992, (still triggers me to this day) and now this house is coming up with issues with the plumbing leaking.  Like I said in yesterday's blog (March 16 2026) I had a scary thought that my floor was going to collapse and my parents are under my bedroom.  I try to walk as gently as I can up here but there is still noise.  And at the same time as this house is crumpling down basically as mom put it around our ears, I have very severe sciatic pain .  The pain is in my left low-back and then on the right leg, it is going down my right leg ...

The reason I can't move is because they are afraid that it will happen again that happened back in 2012. It was the end of the world really.  When laying in bed, I feel unsafe.  I feel that the floor will give out and my parent's  bedroom is under mine. I'm scared that if the floor gives out that i will end up on the bottom floor all bruised up and....  Is that anxiety?