My Blog

You've won the lotto.  The catch is that you must spend all the money today.  How will you spend the money and what does this say about you as a person? First of all if anyone will let me have it in my hands, I will buy 4 townhouses.  One for me, mom and dad.  Another for my neice, a third for my sister and her husband, and a fourth one for my aunt.  And if I can---one more townhouse for two friends.  Yeah, it depends on who they are if I can do that.  I know.   Our townhouses will be closely linked together.  

I never really thought about that.  I really am unable to do that.  I was never really on my own and I never really had an apartment of my own.  I mean I had an apartment for three years but it felt like it wasn't my apartment.  It felt like that my parents were adding money to my account to pay for the rent because I didn't have enough.  I have paid for furniture for the apartment then in about three years later, I had to turn around and sell my couch to my aunt Lisa for $50.00 and her kids ended up destroying that couch! So I felt like the apartment wasn't really mine.  I never really could have multiple rooms.  I do feel like I am treated like a three year old just because I have selective mutism.   There are different kinds of disabilities.  When people see a wheelchair, people automatically think 'oh that person has a disability.'  There are other disabilities that are invisible.  Severe anxiety, autism, adhd, etc.  I...

Yes, I have felt wronged when my parents made me live on the couch for two years and then they made me move upstairs in their house after they got all of their crap out of the upstairs.  What should have been done was that my doctor could have admitted me into the hospital.  Then---- when I got out I could have paid for a therapist back in 2013, because my medication was all whacked back in 2012.  Then my granmaw's passing made me more anxious.  I had no choice but to move back home.  I did not have any money left.  I had spent all my money on furniture back in 2009 for the apartment.  And then that 800.00 dollar insurance.  I am stuck with spending 800.00 on that stupid insurance.  Well, it feels like it.  ugh!  

Yes, sure.  Everyone likes to feel needed.  Trying to explain selective mutism to family, friends and even a few stranger and then--when they raise an eyebrow, it just makes me feel so stupid.  I used to be ashamed of SM until I found other people with this crippling disorder.  Or I try to explain SM to people over and over again and still makes me feel stupid because other people's explanations sounds so much better.  

Failure has taught me to never give up hope in trying to get the hell out of this house!  I have been trying to get out of this house since I was 25.  I did once back when I was 35.  I was 38 when I had to move again.  That is just not fair to me.  Just because I had to move back, because of my parent's anxiety.  They got scared because I got written up.  Well apparently, I needed to go into the hospital because I needed my medication adjusted.  My mom just simply would not listen.  So I just gave up and tried to ignore the fact that I needed a medication adjustment.  People there at the apartment complex I was living in kept judging me.  

I had a flashback when I was in meditation.  There was a lot of kids coming out of the school that we went to.  It was called Wilbanks but it is the BISD building since the 1980's.  The weird part was that a lot of kids that I knew went there including my childhood best friend-Jennifer.   That is twice after EMDR I had flashbacks.  What showed up, all I saw in the flashback was back in the 80s of kids running out to the bus or to recess.  I started at Wilbanks in 1979 in Kindergarten and went there until 1984 and they pulled me out of the 4th grade where they were probably learning fractions and I never learned them because I went to the Hospital in Galveston Texas.   I am having flashbacks in little increments.