Monday May 1, 2023 | What will you do today to work towards the life you want?

This is my Journal prompt for Monday, May 1, 2023. I keep asking myself how will my sister and aunt answer this question and I came to a conclusion. I have no idea.

What will you do today to work towards the life you want?

I just want to be able to make decisions. It really doesn't have to be about my mental and physical health. Actually, help me take care of my money but the only thing is you need to include me in your conversations about me instead of just talking about me like I'm not in the room.

Growing up, I wanted to do everything like my older sister. Everything she wanted, I wanted. Well, to an extent. I think this sounds like sibling rivalry. When Karin learned how to drive, I wanted to learn. When she got a boyfriend, I wanted one. Then so on, like when she got married I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. I wanted to be married and have a husband.

We were in the car taking Jason home and a conversation of marriage came up. I didn't know, all I could say was I don't know. So I got to thinking how would everyone else answer? So I came to a conclusion. I thought to myself, Yes I want to be married someday. But all I could answer was I don't know. I think that I say whatever everyone wants to hear. Do I say what everyone wants to hear so that I don't have any thoughts to tell people? If people would just be patient and wait, I do have a lot to say. It's just that the words just won't come out. I get to thinking about what to say and think that sounds like it won't make any sense don't say that is what my brain will say. It's just that anxiety is getting me to think and I will stop everything that I am saying.  I hate to blame anything but that is the best I can do. 

Okay, the anxiety is getting the worse of me. I don't know what I am saying now. I regret saying this now.

Monday May 1, 2023 | Happy Mental Health Awareness Month

When I got up this morning, I saw #Happy (babygirl) playing with a dead squirrel in the backyard.  She had killed it.  Then Sophie picked it up and brought it into the house and dropped it in the kitchen. She went onto the bed. I thought she had dropped it onto the bed.  I know Mom would have wanted to change the sheets on the bed because I didn't think she wanted to sleep on a bed that Sophie dropped a squirrel on. Actually she dropped the dead squirrel on the the kitchen floor by the table. In turn, Happy killed a squirrel and Sophie brought it in. 

Ugh! Disgusting Happy!  But Cats will be cats and dogs have to listen to their owners.  Sophie doesn't listen to my parents--the real owners but Sophie listens to me.  Sophie will end up being mine anyway when they decide to go into a nursing home.  

Just yesterday, I was looking at my dad and I thought he is getting old and noticed that is losing his hair. Oh, I almost cried.  It's hard to think that when they get ready to move into a nursing home.  Just wanted to know that if and when they decide to go into a nursing home, I wonder if it would trigger my selective mutism. So I got to thinking that when they pass it would probably trigger my selective mutism and I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone?  :'(