Wednesday March 17, 2021 | Struggling with thoughts, feelings and emotions and other stuff.

I have never been able to express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  My mother may know some of the ways I never expressed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions from age 5 and below that age.  I know I paid attention from when I was 5 and or older.   And I read on an Autism site that the symptoms of autism are the inability to express thoughts, feeling,s and emotions.  But one's thoughts are supposed to be private huh?  No one is supposed to tell anyone their own thoughts huh?  Sh*t! Where did I hear that?  ugh!!!!  So one of the symptoms of autism is the inability to express thoughts, feelings, and emotions?  Correct?  Why am I talking about age 5 and below that age?  The past is the past.  but I was paying attention, sometimes autism in children can be missed and show up later in life as an adult?  I don't know.  😖😖😖  

Everyone doesn't remember the time when they were 5 and below that age as the memories are all fuzzy.  Wait.....................  The first time I ever remembered something when I was three years old I was over at my grandmother's house and I remember this one memory when I was thinking I was going to die; what was going to happened to me.  "I got hot, I could not breathe".  Aren't those the symptoms of a Panic Attack correct?  So I had my first panic attack over at my grandmother's house at age three.       

Does anyone else ever think about how they are going to hurt themselves or other people?  Every time I think those kinds of thoughts, I shake my head and make a sound but then the thoughts come back again.  :'(  What can I do to get rid of those thoughts permanently?   I tried meditation for "intrusive thoughts on youtube" and it works but then the thoughts come back.  :'(  I have thoughts of hurting the dogs and other people. :'(  Is it normal to think those thoughts?  I bet it is normal to think those thoughts?