Thursday August 14, 2025 | No one won't believe this but... Does this make any sense?

My earliest childhood memory was when I was 3, 4, and 5 years old when everything kinda started happening at once.  When I was 3, I was spending the night with my grandmother on a Friday or Saturday night.  I could swear that my three year old self was thinking like what would happen to my body if I were to pass away right then at that age.  I tried to "shake it off" and try not to think about that.  The more that I was thinking that, the more scared I got.  Which brought me to the time I was about 9 or 10 years old when mom and I were in my room and I kept telling her that I was scared.  Mom kept saying "scared of what".  I knew what I was scared of but I was afraid to tell her.  And just now today I put two and two together and realized that I was afraid of death and dying.  I swear I had the same reoccurring thought since I was three years old.   I felt like it put a lot of intense distress on me at 3.  I know now that death and dying is part of life.  We only get one life to live and only one body and one experience to live it.  

I did not ever think or ever thought that my speaking could or ever could be about my auditory processing "difficulties".  I say difficulties because disorder sounds permanent or rather it is a lifelong condition.  A person can work around auditory processing.  What works for me is turning on the captions on the tv or YouTube.  What also helps is turning on "read aloud" on websites on microsoft edge because I realized I could also do that.   When I am reading an ebook, I like to turn on "read aloud".  That really helps me.  If "read aloud" is not available then I am screwed.  

I am totally not sure if all the anxiety came from my three year old self and death and dying reoccurring thought.  The same thoughts came at me at different ages, 3, 4, 5, 9, 13, 17, 18, 24, 40 and still have the reocurring thoughts at times.  I had those thoughts in my 30's too. I don't think it matters but I think I was 32 and 35 when I had those thoughts too.   Since I started meditation, those thoughts quieted down a lot.  Then the dog bite could have added to that and then getting my tonsils out at 5 could have added to the anxiety when I was about 3.  Then the accident in 1992 added to that.  

Question.  I am wondering would a recurring thought cause a once 3 year old girl to stop talking gradually or not really?   Would it also cause me to be anxious?  

I just had a memory of me and my dad.  I think I was about 5 at the time.  My sister is about 5 years older me so my sister would have been about 13?  Anyway, my dad was in the bathroom and he was clapping for me because I had just gone 1 or 2 one of the two and so he was clapping that I didn't pee or poop myself.  We were at someone's house.  I think her name was Ginger and her Husband was Ron Glass.  I have just been redirected.  Those two weren't together.  But to a kid then like me, yeah I thought they were married.  Yeah well someone had two kids and their names were Nicky and other one was Renee.    I think he passed away years ago.  

Okay. This is what I think what happened why I stopped talking.  It had nothing to do with people.  Or maybe I had overheard a conversation.  Everyone has to understand this.  I was fine up until I was 5 years old when teachers began to notice I wasn't talking at school.  So I am thinking I was about 3 years old and I believe that I got traumatized or scared.  

I am wondering 🤔 if all these bad dreams and me waking up screaming and talking in my sleep has something to do with me at my past three years old self?  Could it be possible?  So could it be ptsd of some sort?