ahhhhhhh

In the middle of the night around 3am:  Ahhhhhh oh this not good!  I am afraid to say this let alone write this.  But I guess I will get this out. I think different little things that scare me ----- like just now something woke me up just now. I thought that a train was going to run me over trying to cross it or driving over the railroad tracks. Or then I thought that a train was going to run someone else over trying to cross or drive over the railroad tracks. :'( makes me sad.  :'(   it sometimes wakes me up from sleep. Different things or different thoughts or dreams wake me from sleep and I cant sleep. Sometimes I am able to go back to sleep. Or I am afraid of losing other people. I am afraid of going to sleep and never waking again. I am afraid of my dog running off or getting run over. But that is like worrying today about tomorrow.  

Don't worry today about tomorrow. I'm (i fell asleep)   Then I got up to go pee.  

(then i wrote this down here)

This all started when my doctor mentioned that I have get a um yeah. But that won't be until next year when I turn 47.   I dont know how to spell it but it is that little procedure to um clean out my um yeah.  About damn time!!! I just want to get that which will be my first one over with!!!!!! I'm really scared! :'(  

Morning around 9am:  omg!  That was my trigger or my Intrusive Thoughts.  Every time I thought that thought I swear to god that I screamed out loud as it is embarrassing to say/or write down let alone even talk about.  I just think that I'm so alone that I think thoughts like that.  Are these thoughts intrusive thoughts?  I just felt I wanted to get this all out in the open as I feel alone.  :'(  

I ran a 5K again then after that I ran a 40 minute run on a youtube video with Pahla B Fitness on youtube.  The 40-minute video was also a podcast. When she something like um... i can't remember exactly.  When she said something like running from your thoughts something like that, I ran faster and harder.  I chuckled and thought she's doing like I am..... working from the inside out like from mental health to physical health.   I thought one time wanted to sign up for a 5K run but that would be too much for me to handle.  lol!  But I don't know, I could do something like that.  LMAO!  

I think I am the only one that is struggling with words! I don't know what word to put where and how when I am speaking.  When I am writing, it is easier.