My Blog

Well the fact that I have selective mutism and the fact that I could do anything wanted to if I set my mind to it.  But the minute someone told me "you gotta be able to talk to do that", I dropped it like a hot toe!  I wish I would have told someone when I was 5.  But in fact, I told my mom when I was 13 and guess what she told me, "you gotta be able to talk to do that!"  Really mom!?  Ugh!  

Well I wanted to be a dancer on flashdance. I used to fantasize back in the 80s about being a dancer on flashdance and imagine that I did not have selective mutism or auditory processing.  Then I imagined myself as a singer and an actress on a tv show or movie.  I don't think that is even possible now.  No one will even take me on in their acting class.  None of my family members think that I can talk to be able to do that and they think that can't get ready on time.  They think that I am slow and could be late all the time.  

When I was three I had my own fantasy world. I would dream about having my own house, car and cat.  Well I had several cats through the years but never a house and a car. Maybe if I bought a barbie toy car and called a yellow porche since I can't drive or never will because of the medications I am on.  I could buy it and put the two dolls in the car and well bh90210 Brandon doll will have to um stay on the side.  But anyways, when I was 15 I believe I started writing fantasy fanfiction stories about New Kids on the Block. Most of the fanfiction stories were about NKOTB, Full House, BH90210, and Days of our Lives.  Which they moved Days of our lives to Peacock online network and they charge fans to watch it.  Pissed me off!   The picture below is of  from left to right: Jason Priestley, Barbie(from the movie Barbie), and Donnie Wahlberg.  I bought Jason Priestley because I thought that his extra shorts in the box would fit Donnie and the short...

When I was three I had a make-believe that I was living in a yellow house, and had a yellow porche and a white cat.  Well I already had a white cat.  The cat was part mancs because he had no tail. He was born without a tail.  A friend of my dad's who he worked with Ted Sharp his two kids Robert and John and his wife Sherry(then back in the 80's gave me the kitten.)  The kitten was cute.  Then he grew into a cat who got into cat fights.  Then snowball (i named him snowball) broke his leg and he had to stay in a rabbit cage which was funny because he hopped like a rabbit. I guess in a way I had a rabbit like cat.    The yellow house? Well, that is just too bright and yellow porche maybe but I can't drive due to the medications, Oxcarbasepine I'm on.  It is a mood stabilizer but I am not sure that it is working anymore because I got into anger fit when I was carrying dishes down to the kitchen to be washed in the dishwasher. Well I had my sunflo...

My family will never admit this but mom has told me that.  I just learned to accept it and move on.  All of my hopes and desires were soon gone because my mom told me "you gotta be able to talk to do that".  I really should have ignored her and went on to do my thing.  But I was only 12 years old at that time.  I couldn't do anything because I was a child.  Because I had selective mutism and auditory processing difficulties (now called a disorder),  I had to forget about my dreams, hopes and desires.  Even though I don't show it, I do struggle often with selective mutism.