Wednesday April 3, 2024 | Journal prompt: Do you savor the current moment or squander it in anticipation or dread of tomorrow?

I squander it all over the place.  This is why I can't ever get an apartment. Now if the city is building a smaller apartment complex just for people with disabilities that would not make me as anxious as living at Seville Apartments did!  The last say 5 or 6 apartment buildings that the City Of Beaumont built was HUGE!  Maybe because I seemed so small mentally.  But I don't think that my parent's are ready for me to move out yet.  The day that they are ready, we will all move into a senior citizen apartment complex.  Ugh!  I would like to at least earn my own money by working from home. But, they would have to take care of my business and money situation.  I don't think they want to do that because it's too hard for them.  If it's too hard for my parent's then it's definately too hard for me!

Wednesday April 3, 2024 | How conscious and awake are you?

I think my eyes are closed all of which I can't speak in certain situations and with certain people within earshot. Yes, I think I better add that. 

Masking? What the heck does that even mean?  Well, I think it means that a person can say for example: they can hide their autism in front of people.  In my humble opinion, I used to believe that having selective mutism was embarassing. Even hearing the name made me embarrassed when I was 5 years old because my parent's and my sister made it out like I was the only one who has selective mutism.  Oh I do remember my parent's telling other people "She has selective mutism".   I think both my mom and dad has said that to their friends. Refering to me.  It completely embarrassed me.  I'm not embarrassed anymore.  It's like either you have an anxiety disorder and you struggle with speaking or you don't have it.  Or autism, it's either you have it or you don't.  I used to be that there was something wrong with the person who has a disorder.  They are just as normal as a person who does not have any disorder, or autism, or adhd.  People with a disability have feelings and if someone hurts their feelings they get triggered. Right? 

Wednesday April 3, 2024 | Journal prompt: How can you translate your childhood dreams into adult realities?

All my life I thought I had to do what my parent's said to do.  Now that I am 50 and have selective mutism, I have to stay in the house and be safe.  Childhood dreams?  People might make fun of me for even trying.  Then I have to beg for a ride to get there.  So what's the point in it at all?  What I really need someone to do is that they need to say some positive things to me to even get me motivated.  Right now I am living off other people's anxiety disorder which makes mine even more crippling.  So crippling that I can't even step out of the house I am living in.  geez what is that called?  Is that even true?