My Blog

 Prison Of Silence written by:  Pamela Ann Wyatt I’m in this prison of silence, Is there something in it for me? I’m in this prison of silence, I don’t want to be a tree. I’m in this prison of silence, I wish people wouldn’t be offended by me. I’m in this prison of silence, I believe one person has a key. I’m in this prison of silence, I just want to be free. I’m in this prison of silence, I believe I will be.

I don't know where to start.  This blog will be random thoughts that happened.  Some will be so silly things that I have said or done when I was a toddler about 3 years old.  That is about the earliest memory that I have.  The memory that my grandmother had was when I was about 3 years old, my grandmother told me her memory about her going to pick up my aunt and sister from school.  She said that I ran out to the car and said, "I'll drive grandma!"  I wanted to drive so bad and now I can't because of one of the medications I am on.  It is the Oxcarbazepine.  It is the medicine that the doctor at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston suggested it and my doctor prescribed it.  The medicine that was taken off of, one of the doctors at Baylor said it caused tardive dyskinesia.  I am actually starting to believe that it was just a habit.     Another memory that I had was when I spent the night with my grandmother.  I don't...

Are people living with Selective Mutism (anxiety) more likely to run off or no?   But I know for a fact that anxiety would be through the roof.  I would be scared of EVERY GOD DAMN THING!!!  Really?!  I'm going to say god's name in vain like that?!  Really?!  Do I have a plan?  What I do know is that I do not want to live with my sister or my aunt when god calls my parents home.   I believe we are all god's children and the children are like siblings so when someone is sick or dying of cancer or dying of natural causes it means that god is calling his children home.  Is that in the bible or something?  I don't know where I have heard that. I probably heard that when I was about three years when we were in church and ever since then I got scared ever since then of death and dying.  I know that everyone is going to die someday.  I just want to live my life and be safe doing it without really getting arrested.  That...

There are two poems that I wrote because of AJ.  The one I wrote in 2016 is "if i knew now". It was written as a poem. I was very unaware that Backstreet Boys wrote that that as a song.  I wrote my poem "if i knew now" as a poem because of AJ.  And there is another poem that wrote in I think in 2019 about AJ.  I'll have to hunt both poems up and put them down in this post.   If I knew Written by: Jordonni Sings Originally written on: Saturday in 2015 Re-written: Monday March 13, 2017 Re-written and re-edited on: Tuesday March 14, 2017 If I knew now, That what I have said, I wouldn’t have said, “I wish I was dead”. If I knew now, I would have done, Something that helps extreme anxiety. My anger was focused on those, Not being able to help. If I knew now, I wouldn’t be in this mess Called silence, ‘Cause silence is so loud. Yeah so loud. There is no handbook, You’re on your own, ‘Ya got no instruction. We only got each other, When it’s mental health. If I kne...

I just want to let you know that I care about my mental and physical health. I also care about other people's mental and physical health.  So how much does he love me?  What is he willing to do for me?  He is willing to walk about 500 miles from Indiana to Texas.  Actually, I don't know how many miles it is. I don't know that math, sorry.   I'm not done talking yet.   I keep having panic attacks about mother finding out.  I gave him my address as he wanted to send me something.  Jason thought that something was going to happen.  Nope nothing happened.  I love him to pieces.  I don't like to say the word death.  I just don't like it. It scares the shit out of me.  All this may not make any sense and it may be out of (what is the word I am looking for)  Please help me out here.   I'm sorry, I have to talk about this but why the hell does a woman's period cause a woman cry unexpectedly?  I have n...

  I could not think of anything. This is too hard to find three good things that I am grateful for when I am depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't or I'm struggling with telling my feelings!   Well my friend stopped by tonight and she brought me crying and depression.  Also feelings of not being good enough and not being able to do anything since I am mentally three years old!  :'(   Why can't I at least do one thing by myself every day.  Please give me one challenge if it is okay with my parents?  Oh god dammit!!!!  I feel like I'm three years old!!!  :'(  (yes, I misspelled dammit on purpose. I like that spelling then the other way)   Found this on: https://ibcces.org/learning/what-is-the-link-between-anxiety-and-high-blood-pressure / .  Not sure if this is right.   Lifestyle changes Making simple changes can go a long way toward reducing the symptoms of anxiety. Examples include: practicing deep breat...

Today at when we went to breakfast, somehow I brought up the topic of AJ.  Sure they are judging him.  I listen to people and use good judgment.  Yes, and my face got really red!  As red as my shirt that I was literally that was wearing!!!   My aunt, sister and my mom were quick to judge AJ.  Do they think that AJ will use my SM to do anything he wants with me. I just thought of it?  Do they think AJ will take Advantage of me and me having Selective Mutism?  No! He won't do that.  NO!  I don't think I need to worry about that.   Then my sister asked who do I want to live with when mom and dad pass.  I was quick to answer, I DO NOT want to live with either my sister or my aunt!   I wanted to cry right then and there.  I did later on today.   And why is my aunt is sniffing around him! Do you know what I mean to say?   He's mine and only mine!  Who cares about the age difference of...