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I just did something I never did before.  I realized that I got scammed on a reborn silicone baby doll.  I won the winning bid and then they would not send the silicone doll.  So I asked help from eBay and I got refunded 105.00 dollars.  All I could do was check my paypal account and sure enough I got refunded 105.00 dollars.  I am so proud of myself for doing that all on my own!!!! See? This is a start!!!!  

Last night's dream was a better night last night but I feel like I'm committing a crime with what I'm doing. That is what my dream was trying to tell me last night. It is trying to tell me that I'm like committing a crime.  :'(  This is my mind taking over.  So I'm asking my mind to shut up and then sometimes my mind gets me in trouble.   If I were to rate the anxiety from 1 to 10 and 10 being the absolute worst and 1 being none at all.  It would be at a 5 because I'm kinda shaky right now.   The Depression is oh wow is at a 1. That is the lowest it is ever been! Ever!  But keep in mind that could change.  I will keep an eye out for that.  

Holy shit!  I had a terrible anxiety dream about AJ. I don't know if it an anxiety dream or not.  In my dream, He was coming up the stairs and I was trying to hide.  Which is what I did when I met someone else online. He came to my house and I was outside and sitting in the driveway. I was shaking Then  I hid as he got closer to the driveway. I cant remember what his name was all i remember was that anxiety was whipping my ass!   This is how bad Selective Mutism is. Selective Mutism is an extreme anxiety.  They don't call it extreme anxiety for nothing.  This anxiety is kicking my ass!!!! 😢😢😢

Come on how does he really feel about me?  I want to know.  :)  Does he realize that I will really get into trouble with my mom and dad?  If I do anything I will still have to ask my mom and dad.  And if their anxiety doesn't like it then I can't do it and that is the end of that.  :'(  It doesn't matter with my anxiety and my feelings and me.  I really don't matter at all.  :'(    OMG!  I just ran a 10 minute run with Pahla B Fitness on YouTube!!!!  That definitely felt GREAT!!!!  I feel GREAT!!!!   Like a said in past blogs..... if I didn't think I was going to lose internet connection I would take that workout to the park and listen as I run with her.  Plus I am really afraid of being caught again by the police again with another older lady that might call the cops on me without me even trying to explain my Selective Mutism.  I know how to explain Selective Mutism now as I know more about it....

Does this sound weird? I am shaking as I type this. My body is shaky. Is it weird that I feel that every time I hurt his feelings it hurts me too? What does that mean?     Oh sh*t!  What did he mean when he says that I'm gullible?   Don't you think I didn't know that already?  I am gullible because of my Selective Mutism.  I want to overcome Selective Mutism and I need his help to overcome it.  I knew that when I first started talking to him that he was special and that understood me.  He would know how help me but I want to make sure it is not illegal. lol!  I am a good, nice person if you are patient with me. (did that sound right?)   I just think this whole thing is weird that someone would like me unless they are after something else.  I'm sorry that is just my Selective Mutism(anxiety) talking now. I swear! :'(   I had so many scammers message me asking me for money or whatever. And like my Selective Mu...

Um... Like I mentioned in a past blog--- he is so adorably cute no scratch that.  He's so adorably hot!  If I could I totally would date him.  I totally dare him to take me away from Jason.  Wait..... I think he already did.  My heart is with AJ.  I don't want to ever stop talking to him.  I care about him so much. I smile every time he calls me.     And I'm speaking from my heart. :)   I can't think of any more to write. I'm running out of things to say here. Oh one and only thing.  I am only exercising for my mental health!!!!  I don't care what anyone thinks or says!!!!   I AM ONLY EXERCISING FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!!!!!!   OMG!  Get this Jason's mother got him into going to the gym!!!  Do you even believe that?   I don't believe that not for a second!!!!  UGH! Between you and me--- I think he will stop all of that when he goes back to work next week.  UH-HUH!!!  ...

 I had a 15 or 20-minute panic attack of realizing that I don't have any money and no way of because no one understands me and my Selective Mutism. and they don't understand my anxiety/panic attacks!!!  No way of working or doing anything.  Because like I said, my family thinks that people are going to take advantage of me just because of my Selective Mutism! I think this is why they are keeping me on a tight leash!!!!!  People can't control what other people do so my family just keeps me on a tight leash instead!!! Changing the subject---today is the anniversary of Hurricane Harvey!!!!  That was terrible.  OMG!  I still can't forget it.  My parents got about 4 foot of water in their house--but my half of the house was dry.  They lost everything but the clothes on their back.     8:30pm-- I self-harmed again. :'(   I am not sure what triggered it.  Why do we self-harm?  I just want to keep that between me an...