My Blog

Do you all remember this tv show called Growing Pains back in the 80's?  Well there was this character Mike Seaver played by Kirk Cameron and Carol Seaver played by Tracey Gold.  Mike was saying fat jokes about Carol on the show.  I remember Tracey Gold being on the cover of seventeen magazine or YM magazine .  I think that was the shortened version of the magazine.  Anyway, it showed her being on the cover of YM magazine and Tracey Gold had anorexia.  I remember reading the article but I don't remember it.  It's been a long time ago.  I don't believe that anyone who was completely ridiculed just because they are a few pounds overweight but she was not overweight.   It is kinda what Jason did.  I am completely ridiculed just because I am obese.  Jason tells me that I am doing nothing about it and that he will continue the fat jokes until I do something about it.  Let's see?  I am exercising and lifting weights, 3 p...

I avoid anger the most.  I hold in anger the most although it doesn't always happen that way.  People say that I look and act angry.  Does anxiety look like anger?  They are both emotions .  It's probably why they look so much alike.  I try not show any anger at all.  It doesn't always happen though.  I try not to get angry when something happens like something falls on the floor like in the past.  Like when I accidently dropped something on the floor and my dad got angry at me for doing that.  I wonder if that would teach a kid of 11 or 12 to get angry?  I don't think that mom and dad did show anger around me and my sister,  Karin when we were kids did they?  I think mom and dad did show anger around me and Karin. Well how come Karin doesn't have anger and I do?   I don't mean to blame anyone but I am just wondering where us kids learn to get angry from?  I remember the story of my older sister Karin and ...

Feelings and emotions are a no go because I just don't understand it.  How do I express them so I don't get anxious or bored or even angry ?  

No I don't handle setbacks.  I let other people do them for me.  

The thought that exercising for my muscles to feel better makes all the difference in the world!  Then I have this new shower head and it's a massaging shower head.  It kind of feels great on my sore muscles plus my peppermint body wash .  I could use a whole crate of peppermint body wash!  But the only problem is that it is only available in the fall and winter seasons . So I am super excited when fall and winter rolls around.  I love fall most of all.  I love the breezy, coolish weather . Most of all, if it snows I love it when it snows.  My chihuahua --Jordan didn't like the cold. She would go out when she had to use the bathroom.  My Nicki Rose, she says nope ain't going out in that that stuff is way too cold!  Now Sophie, my dad's dog she will go out to use the bathroom but she doesn't like the cold either since she is older now.  When he first got Sophie, she would run out in the snow the first year he got her back in 2021 when i...

Well somehow I kicked one of the wires in the back of my computer and the computer came unplugged.  I got agitated and started to cry.  Then remembered the word calm .  The word that butthead told me.  (just remember that butthead is always smarter. The one from Beavis and Butthead .)  Then when I went to sit down, my rolling chair went flying across the room and slammed into my kitchen island and my butt landed on the floor.  Now that I thought about it, was kind of funny.  When It happened, I was ready to kick some a$$ and get all agitated again from when the computer went off.  No, I didn't kick the wires in the back of the computer.  What really happened was I picked up my keyboard that was off to the side.  I put it over on the laptop that is over on the right of me while I eat or drink something.  But then I go do something stupid and get sick and throw up on the keyboard.  I think that is anxiety linked ?  I don...

This show was 56 years ago. But that is not the point.  I remember that I wanted to play Bert and Ernie with my granmaw when I was spending the night over at her house when I was 3 years old.  This was a very vivid memory that I have of her.  The point?  There is a sign that I wanted to play this cute little game called let's roleplay Bert and Ernie.  Has it ever occurred to mom that I wanted to be an actress because of this sign.  It just now dawned on me that every time I wanted to play Bert and Ernie that I always wanted to be an actress.  It just dawned on me.  That was before selective mutism even showed up.  So I could speak, just now very well.  That was the earliest memory that I have of my granmaw.   Something happened that when I was 3 years old that would make me stop speaking.  It is just finally putting all the pieces of the puzzle together.  I believe that........ shut up I am talking now.  I bel...