Tuesday November 18, 2025 | TRIGGER WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT GET TRIGGERED. JOURNAL PROMPT: What emotions do I avoid, and why?

I avoid anger the most.  I hold in anger the most although it doesn't always happen that way.  People say that I look and act angry.  Does anxiety look like anger?  They are both emotions.  It's probably why they look so much alike.  I try not show any anger at all.  It doesn't always happen though.  I try not to get angry when something happens like something falls on the floor like in the past.  Like when I accidently dropped something on the floor and my dad got angry at me for doing that.  I wonder if that would teach a kid of 11 or 12 to get angry?  I don't think that mom and dad did show anger around me and my sister,  Karin when we were kids did they?  I think mom and dad did show anger around me and Karin. Well how come Karin doesn't have anger and I do?   I don't mean to blame anyone but I am just wondering where us kids learn to get angry from?  I remember the story of my older sister Karin and her friend Vicki.  The both of them were jumping on the car and dad saw them.  I guess dad told Vicki to go home and dad whacked Karin on the butt all the way into the house.  I think that taught me a valueable lesson.  Never do anything to get you into trouble. But I didn't know what would get me into trouble so I would just avoid it.  Then the more I didn't do anything I was told, the more I got into trouble I think.  

So I think that we learn anger from someone but I just don't know who.  I say I don't know because I think our parents might be the culprit.  I don't want to blame anyone in particular.  When I was 39, my mom tried to blame one of those teachers.  When really the best teacher I had was back in California when I was in high school the other half of my 9th grade year, 10th, 11th and 12th grade.  I had two years in 9th and two years in the 10th grade.  I would like to say she was my favorite teacher out of all the teachers I had.  Then I was kicked out of school when I hit the 12th grade. Then I got kicked out of school and then my relationship with Manuel ended.  I was almost grateful that I did move out of Cali but I did want to stay.  I do have fiction stories that I wrote. Manuel read one of them. It embarrassed the hell out of me but I'm glad that I wrote it! Manuel did say he was sorry that he broke up with me. I loved the sh*t out of him!  He was the best! He waited for me to answer, but not long enough. I tried to talk to Manuel, but it was like there was a lump in my throat.  My throat hurts now because of the thought of Manuel.  No, It was not Manuel. It was me. It was because I couldn't physically speak to Manuel. I know that he wouldn't laugh at me. If I would have known then what I do now then I would have said whenever I am talking to the cat or dog, please feel free to chime in. That seems to work for me.  The only two relatives Manuel met was my granmaw and my older sister.(i think)   I lived in California for 7 years with my parents.  I jumped on the opportunity to live in California.  I was 16 when we moved there and I was 24 when moved back to Texas.  The reason for the move was because my dad worked for a refinery called---well I want to say union 76.  I actually wanted to stay in Cali because I was just learning to ride the bus and was loving the small town of Vacaville (aka: cowtown).  After we got back and settled I went into a computer class at Goodwill.  Barbara the teacher from the computer class, set me and Jason up.  It was either Jason or baldy.  I didn't want baldy getting ahold of me.  I heard from a little birdy that all baldy wanted was the S-word.  So I am glad it was Jason instead of baldy.  Baldy was someone that I don't know his name but he worked for Goodwill and he was weird and everyone called him baldy because he was bald.  (but everytime Jason's name was mentioned, My eyes would light up like a christmas tree.  The same with "New Kids on the Block", when that band name was mentioned or any of the 5 band members, my eyes would light up like a christmas tree.)    But after Jason turned 40, he attitude changed.  It was like he wanted me stand up for myself.  Because of that SM, the words just wouldn't come out.  It was like the words got stuck like a lump in my throat.  

Really the reason why I got selective mutism in the first place is because of mom and dad and my older sister Karin and aunt Lisa.  It is like they don't understand what selective mutism is.  They think that selective mutism is not real!  They always want to blame my weight instead of the real culprit---selective mutism.