My Blog

The feeling that I keep holding onto is the feeling that I will get into trouble with mom and dad if I do something stupid.  Just like I did when I was younger.  This is not only because of my selective mutism.  It is because that when I was younger, I wasn't allowed to do things because it could hurt me.  Now I see why it could hurt me.  When you have selective mutism, people could take advantage of someone like me and get me to do a lot of things that I could get in trouble with the law with.  I am not into that.  I wonder why they couldn't just signed me up when I first asked back when I was 13 that I wanted to be a actress?  But it's too late now that I'm 51.  I wanted to try it when I was 13, just to see if I could overcome SM.  Mom and dad didn't think that nothing was wrong with me.  Mom told Jason that nothing was wrong with me until she forgot she said that.  And she didn't want to have to deal with the school or actin...

Journal prompts to get to know yourself include  reflecting on your experiences, emotions, and values .   Reflect on your experiences   How has a recent accomplishment made you feel more self-worth?     I haven't had many accomplishments but I had some.   What have you learned from a challenging situation?   Well the time I was in my own apartment and I got kicked out by my mother because well Jason tells me one thing and no one person doesn't tell me anything.  So I don't know what happened. Jason tells me that I ran down the hall screaming and one time he thought he saw me going out into the hallway with my shirt off.  I can swear to you that I didn't take off my shirt!   What was I like when I was younger?   I was quiet, shy and tried to keep to myself.  When I started preschool, I was pretty quiet and shy.  Then I started kindergarten.  I saw this little red headed kid named Paul Beaumont....

Hello March!  Nice to see you again this year.  But let's get into this panic attack. I don't want to repeat what I said in yesterday's blog. I'll just say this it was about an anxious thought I had written about in February 28th blog, the panic attack I had on Thursday night into Friday morning. Let's see... I had nausea, hard to breathe. I didn't think to do breathing exercises. Well I tried. I will say this: I have gained focus and concentration from meditation. But Thursday afternoon I could not concentrate at all. I had a headache and nausea and I couldn't focus at all. 

What I am most grateful for is having a journal to write my anxious thoughts in.  (If they even are anxious thoughts?)  And most of all grateful for having a pretty journaling pen to write with.  The thing I am uncertain about is what is an example of an anxious thought?  I googled it and it said and I know what neurotypical people will say.  "It's just an anxious thought, get over it".  :'(   This is what my mind kept thinking and I had a panic attack about it.  I have stupid panic attacks about stupid idiotic stuff! Not about about other people would think.  I would appreciate it if someone wouldn't judge this anxious thought.   " If a person dies in a house with two pet dogs and they get hungry,  the dogs would likely begin to search for food, potentially trying to access the person's food or looking for other sources of sustenance around the house , as they wouldn't understand that their owner is deceased and unable to...

When I was laying in the bed, my mind would not let me rest.  I kept thinking about how I have prediabetes and I'm 51 and maybe have 30 years left on me.  I would say that it was an anxiety attack but a neurotypical person would think that it was just a bad dream.  HOW CAN I BE ASLEEP AND HAVING A BAD DREAM WHEN I WAS WIDE AWAKE?  UGH!  I hate neurotypical people!  It was an anxiety attack and they know it!   Here is the difference between (in my opinion) of what neurodivergent and neurotypical people are.  Neurodivergent people are so smart except for Jason, and neurotypical people are so stupid.  Watch no one will understand that.  I'll tell you what......... I don't know how to do is explain that and back myself up on that because I never learned anything more than just the 12 years that I had gone to public school.     

I had hives back when I was 25 but Jason said it was chiggers you know those little bugs that bite. That was the first time I have called my mom at work since we have been back from California.  The very first time I have ever called my mom at work was when I called back in cali and and she was working at Hagler and Nelson.   I do think that it was stress and anxiety (selective mutism).  My mom doesn't remember me having hives back when I was 25. I do remember those tiny red itchy bumps that started out and then it got bigger.  It was horrible!  I was afraid to stay by myself so I went over to my grandmother's apartment.  I was a wussie.   Then a few days ago I got this itchy red hives. People kept thinking it was caused by foods that I  might have eaten.  All the while, I really think it is from stress and anxiety.  Remember selective mutism?  It is a severe anxiety disorder.   Anything else I need or want to sa...