My Blog

Wrote this journal prompt today.  Again, I went off topic.  

You wanna know how I struggle with selective mutism so much.  But my reasons people won't agree with half the time anyway so what is the point?  Maybe I need to put that out there  because it would feel better to talk about it.  It may not solve anything, but talking about it helps. But people don't want to talk about mental health. They want to just leave it alone and let it get worse and let the people suffering from this get worse so their family member can take care of the ones who have selective mutism. ugh!   The reason why I don't speak is because people won't give me a chance and when I do speak, people will not give me a chance.  That is what makes me angry most of the time!    The thing that makes people mad at me is that I keep changing my story of why I don't speak.  This is why People don't believe me and this is another reason why I get so many outbursts that don't make any sense to other people.  All this is pissing m...

I kinda think that my whole situation with my tongue hanging out is like habit but is due to the doctor putting me on the wrong medications.  I think it was due to my outbursts due female imbalances (pms symptoms) . And someone thought it was that I was having outbursts of anger. Yes it was that but it was also because I couldn't physically speak and that no one would listen! So I just gave up and said I just had anger outbursts. But that is just my opinion and I am just the 49 year old child and that also doesn't matter. Nothing matters what I say. I just give up.  So this really all my fault. This whole situation could have been avoided if I had just said that I female things more like pms symptoms.  I got  the symptoms under control but this tongue thing is out of control!! So I screwed up my tongue hanging out of my mouth.  Or in simpler terms I could have just suggested that it could be a hormonal female imbalance when I was 37 and 38. Now I wasted away my ...

This is a picture of what I said to someone. I really didn't feel like retyping this. Yeah, I know it's called being lazy.  Here is the picture.  Well anyways I was taught not to steal.  When I was three, I tried to steal a pack gum.  Well my sister tried to steal a big chocolate bar. lol!  I think me and my sister were taught the same way not to steal.  

I didn't know what title to give this.  And I don't know what to say but this guy started messaging me on my 'Pamela's SM Journey' page and I have come to like him alot.  He is in his 40's and he is a contractor.   Contractor?  I am remembering TJ the asshole contractor after tropical storm Harvey! ugh! I knew TJ was bad news and a crook but I couldn't say anything.  My dad was going to do what he was going to do.  But TJ was just my bad feeling and creeped up there anxiety.  After Harvey took everything my parents had owned except for the clothes on their back. My dad met this contractor on the street. (something had happened between here. I am not sure) but what I do know is that TJ Martin took my parents money left my parents house half finished of what Harvey had damaged including the stairs and the front door.  Well they got the front door in, but the stairs are left unfinished.  I don't think that there is ever going to be carpet o...

I don't think that it is really fair to me that I got pulled out of an apartment.  I guess I was on the Verizon of getting kicked out by Marcy. My mom didn't want me to have a record of being kicked out of apartments.  But it still was not fair that I had to leave. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I should have pushed for me to get into a hospital back in 2012.  I should have pushed for me to stay in the apartment. But noooooo I was not strong enough or even not well enough to stick up for myself. And now I can't do now.  I would still have my dresser even today. But nooooo I just had to run down the the hall screaming because an old guy was trying to kiss me. Also, I think that I was majorly triggered because......

I want to hold onto my dignity and independence and I need to let go of attachments.  Before I get into this... what are attachments?   I'm reading it here:   The Power of Letting Go | Psychology Today Well last night was up for about 3 hours thinking about how my sister and brother-in-law and neice and nephew. They were about 1 and 2 then.  Also me, my mom and dad. My aunt and two cousins came to the beach later on.  Well me, my sister and brother-in-law with neice and nephew and two cousins were waving out into beach and I kept on getting more and more anxious.  I want to swim back to shore but couldn't I was frozen in fear.  Then a big wave came and I hauled it and swam back to the shore.  No one ever knew this because I was frozen in fear because of anxiety.  If Matthew was 2 and Rebecca was one so I'm just estimating that it was about 2001 or 2002.  That thing scared the sh*t out of me!  I still keep thinking about it...