Monday August 7, 2023 | What areas in your life are out of balance? What do you need to hold onto more and what do you need to let go?

I want to hold onto my dignity and independence and I need to let go of attachments.  Before I get into this... what are attachments?   I'm reading it here:  The Power of Letting Go | Psychology Today

Well last night was up for about 3 hours thinking about how my sister and brother-in-law and neice and nephew. They were about 1 and 2 then.  Also me, my mom and dad. My aunt and two cousins came to the beach later on.  Well me, my sister and brother-in-law with neice and nephew and two cousins were waving out into beach and I kept on getting more and more anxious.  I want to swim back to shore but couldn't I was frozen in fear.  Then a big wave came and I hauled it and swam back to the shore.  No one ever knew this because I was frozen in fear because of anxiety.  If Matthew was 2 and Rebecca was one so I'm just estimating that it was about 2001 or 2002.  That thing scared the sh*t out of me!  I still keep thinking about it and it scares me everytime and every year.  

but this time I had a dream about something else and actually tried to wake myself up by screaming.  but by that time I had dreamed I was being touched on my right shoulder and squeezed really tight.  I was trying to escape and I could not. I could not move at all.  It was like I was frozen in fear or something. 

I swear that But gosh it felt good to get all that up there out.  

And don't get me started about trains.  I have panic attacks when I am near trains.  I know that thing comes down between us and the train but still it scares the sh*t out of me!  Does anyone else ever have panic attacks when a train has to pass through.  I guess part of that panic is because I was watching the walmart movie Better known as "where the heart is".  The character that lost his legs when he walked in front of a train, wrote that song "where the heart is".  I just don't know his character's name.  I don't the actor's name either.  Oh that was horrible and terrifiying to watch so I turned my head because I knew something grewsome was about to happen.  It was also a trigger for me!    ugh!  And there was another movie I watched on YouTube on the youtube channel "Starz".  It was called Fall.  This woman's husband fell to his death when they were rock climbing.  ugh!  That movie was a thriller and scared the sh*t out of me. It left me on the edge of my seat.  Well somehow I managed to pay for Starz on youtube.  Well I think I fixed it to make it go google play balance and it won't charge me anymore.  

But I still want youtube premium.  It is easier because it really hard to meditate when have to click "skip ad" and then go back to a meditative state.  ugh!  So annoying!