My Blog

In the summer of 2021, I had bought a reborn silicone and it was supposed to be shipped in August. Well in August, I waited for it to arrive.  It never arrived. So me, by myself I went on ebay to see what the problem was.  I was scammed. Wrote a letter to ebay to get my money back and that was it. I got no reborn silicone.  

Anyone who reads this blog and laughs about it, I will deck you in the nose!  lol! This blog wasn't meant to be laughed at when I write it. People have laughed at my writing or if and I do mean if I talked out my needs I felt I got laughed at. :'(    I need to find some goals to work towards. I need to speak to other people besides my comfort people.  I have actually 4 comfort people.  But not so sure about that 3 third one. Well I can still talk to them but not so sure that they can talk me anymore.  But yeah, I want to be able to speak other people besides those comfort people that I can speak to. The fouth one everyone in my family would have a cow about is James because he is bl--- I mean african american is the correct term I should say and he is about my mom and dad's age.  Yeah, I should think of some more goals do I?  Another one is learning how to driving a car and getting an apartment. But learning how to drive goal is driving that anxie...

Well tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 49. Next year I turn 50. :'(  I will wait ten more years--- or well I mean until I am 58. Someone gives my hopes up and doesn't intend on sticking around. I am wasting away and piddling away. I everyone says it takes time for some to do things. Does it?     

It seems like that I want to do everything but I don't have the kind of money to do so. I want a Maddie by Bonnie Brown reborn then I want a silicone reborn baby.  When I was in junior high or even high school I wanted a baby someday, but now not so sure. I don't even have the capability to do so.  For starters, I am too immature and I am so naive and insecure.  For me to bring up that topic for a selective mutism individual. It seems like just the other day my dad was saying to my mom that I would be married with 6 kids if I could talk.  Yes, he is probably right that is.  Also, If I could talk, I would be able to travel the world, be on my own, get married and have at least one baby.  Chances are it wouldn't have selective mutism, I don't think?  And now?  I am so old and crusty down there that it is dried up down there and that the baby will end up having down syndrome or something. Or worse than that Selective Mutism and I know what it is like...

I really wish that girlfriend now wife, Jennifer hadn't shown up and messed up our plans. But things happen and he's got to do what he's got to do. I know that now and I'm happy for him.  But does Jennifer know about AJ's wife he has in Indiana?  She probably does know about his wife in Indiana that she refuses to divorce him.  I love him as a friend with all of my heart and I don't want AJ to get in trouble anymore.  

I wrote this poem back in 2017 on this day of December 26. Would It Be Okay? By: Pamela A. Wyatt Would it be okay, If I took some time today. Would it be okay, If I spent another dime. Would it be okay, If I expressed my feelings, apart. To say them with my heart. To get to do all the things, That I want to do. When I feel comfortable enough To speak to you. To pull you close, And whisper in your ear. To tell me that It’s okay to live anywhere else, As long as it’s near. ----‐--------‐-------- Well like I said. I write poems and don't even know what they mean half the time.  So if Jennifer gets mad at me it is all my fault that I don't know how to write poems.  All of my poems are unstructured poems. 

That anxiety is going wild tonight.  I am wondering what happened to my best friend.  I'm scared to message him and I'm scared to call him.  I am even more scared that he's going to yell at me for calling or messaging him.  :'(  Maybe I should just leave well enough alone and just leave him alone for awhile.  But I miss him.  I want him back in my arms.  :'(  I know I shouldn't worry about him but I am.  He's my friend and I love him and it's not that same kind of love is it?