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That anxiety is going wild tonight.  I am wondering what happened to my best friend.  I'm scared to message him and I'm scared to call him.  I am even more scared that he's going to yell at me for calling or messaging him.  :'(  Maybe I should just leave well enough alone and just leave him alone for awhile.  But I miss him.  I want him back in my arms.  :'(  I know I shouldn't worry about him but I am.  He's my friend and I love him and it's not that same kind of love is it?  

December 20, 2012 was the day I was triggered by well I knew it was about granmaw and I didn't know how to take it or even talk about it over with someone that lived down the hall from me. I could have tried to write something down and she could have told Marcy everything. Including one of the elderly men trying to hit on me when I didn't want him to.  I could have still been over there at the apartment today.  And today my dad said that I was knocking dishes around how can I put dishes up then without making some kind of little noise it makes?  Ugh! I wanted to cry. Oh God is that menopause symptom or it could have been because of "my friend" this week ugh for Christmas really. 

Today.... when I was getting out of the shower it felt like I was on a boat and I was swaying.  I took an ativan as soon as could and listened to an 8 minute guided meditation and I didn't fall asleep. *thumbs up*  Can't fall asleep because I have groceries coming between 2pm and 3pm.  Well the groceries from Walmart was delayed for about 4 hours. It got delivered around 5pm.  I was very patient and waited. I decided to meditate to meditation music and then I fell asleep.  It never fails.  How do I not fall asleep during meditation?   You wanna know what helps to lose weight for starters saying that you love your body exactly as it is -- is key to dropping the pounds!  If you are struggling during your workout, say this affirmation either out loud or to yourself.  "My body is beautiful in this moment and at it's current size".  

What did you learn about yourself this year?   That I never should really meet anyone online or in real life.  I don't think I should or least need to be with anyone right now.  I haven't figured that out why yet. Maybe I will dream about it and my dream will tell me.  I guess I will know then.  

Is everything on Psychology Today site the truth? Is everything on   Psychology Today  the truth or just psychological?  My cousin is getting married on Saturday December 17th.  Maybe I should take 1 ativan incase an anxiety attack is triggered?   Just the other day basically my dad said I would be married with 6 kids if I could speak. I wanted to say "dammit! It is not my fault that I got selective mutism. ugh! ass!"  You know I should really respect the elderly. But dam that really hurt dad!!!!  I just felt really bad when he said that.  Does anyone else have their parents voice stuck in their own self-talk?  Look at the picture below. I found that on PsycologyToday.com.  I read the article but don't think I can remember all of it.  I'll see if I can find the link and put it here.  I find this very irritating when I am trying to meditate and their voice pops up in my self-talk and when I am trying to read affirmatio...

Here is a post I made last Sunday December 11, 2022.  👀😁😅 

Alot of people just still don't understand selective mutism. I try to explain it and people just don't want to understand it or just don't even want to try and understand it.  I think I can speak for everyone who has SM.  We get so anxious that we eat and then we gain weight because we are eating whatever we want.   For me, I am the biggest I have ever gotten.  Back in 2012 on December 20, my medication was apparently wasn't working for me and no one wanted to believe me. Then one day on a cold December day something triggered that anxiety and it went off and I started crying uncontrollably. No one at the apartment complex knew about the selective mutism. They just thought I was angry.  See? If I would have helped myself, I would still be in that apartment today!!!   I knew that I needed a medication redo or something along those lines.  No one wanted to believe me when I told them so I left it alone and ignored it.  Then that thing with...