My Blog

1.) I can and will do anything I want to do when I turn 50. 2.) I will not get in trouble. 3.) I will get a dog. 4.) I will live in my own apartment or house. 5.) I have a dream goal to live with someone who loves me the way I am. 

If someone were to show up here wanting to whisk me away and I wanted to go with him, would that be considered kidnapping or something else?  

I believe I can get out of this house.  It is just a matter of....... let me get my thoughts together and when is the right time to talk about it?  It is never the right time to talk about anything when it comes to me, isn't it?  I would love to be able to go out and meet someone. And I have.  I met AJ.  They just don't know him.  But we all know Jason and what he's capable of--- I wish I could just get rid of Jason totally.  Now Jason tells me to not wear a bra out in public. ugh!!!   That is not happening!  I already got into trouble for that but it was not my fault that I forgot to wear a bra when I went out in public.  It was after my accident and bras hurt like hell to wear!!!!    And then earlier the time I was in the 6th grade my bra somehow got unhooked.  Again. It was not my fault that my bra got unhooked by accident.  My stupid teacher told everyone that I took off my bra in class when really my bra unf...

I had either a panic attack or a nightmare about what happened to Jordan. She was at least 11 or 12. Well I got her when she was 2 in 2012.  I was preparing myself because she was a senior dog.  Jordan was great therapy dog and I loved her to pieces.   I'm going to wait a while to get another dog. Maybe my next dog I will get with AJ. I do have a few fears about real big dogs. I did get bit on the nose by my sister's friends dog, TJ when i was 5 years old.  I told her that I forgave her, but I still remember it.  Five years old? But get this.... I was also diagnosed with selective mutism at 5.  I am wondering if the dog bite from Donna's dog TJ has something to do with the fear in me that got me to stop talking to certain people in certain situations?  Maybe the fear of the dog biting me and I couldn't get up? Who let me in that gate anyway so that TJ could bite me?  I am up at 3am by a noise made from Sophie or at least it it was Sophie. It ...

Okay I dreamed last night that I got together with him. When my parents found out, they really had a panic attack. My mom and dad really had a symptom of anxiety. I really love AJ with all of my heart. I don't think that I'll ever convince that to my mom and dad. I don't want to lose AJ. AJ keeps me calm and I keep him calm.  I mean I saw this dream last night on March 6, really vividly!!!  The only problem is what my mom and dad will say.  That is causing me to panic.

I cant forget him. I love him to death. But he has a wife.  I want him but he has a wife.  I can mostly talk to him. He understands me when no one else does. He believes in me when no one else does. He is so positive.  The problem is that he has a wife. 

Really the first panic attack I ever remember experiencing was when I first moved over there at Seville Apartments.  I had dry mouth and my heart was pounding in my chest.  But I didn't know what it was at that time in December 2009.   Why does AJ want to live in the bay area?  I lived in the -----------wait is Vacaville California the bay area or is it too far inland to be in the bay area?  When me, my mom and day moved to Vacaville, it was so small that it was basically like a potato chip crumb. lol!  Well that is what my dad said.  LMAO!  I loved California but............ we had to move because my dad didn't want to work for another company that he didn't like.  Me personally, I loved being in California.  Sure it was cold in the winter especially up in northern California.  But in Northern California it was so pretty because of the snow and even in April one time.  We went up there to Tahoe California. Or maybe Tahoe ...