My Blog

My body has been feeling weird for about the past two weeks?  I have been feeling shaky and feeling good.  I can't describe it.  I really love talking to AJ. He makes or allows me to be myself.  I don't know I can't find the right words for what I'm trying to say.  I would like to talk about this.  If I could I would totally date AJ.  He makes me feel comfortable, loved and he lets or allows me to feel good about myself.  I just love him for who he is.  He is honest just like me.  Is it okay if I meet him if someone who I can talk to freely is right there with me?  No, not my mom but someone else.     Need some advice from my relatives if they aren't afraid of my anxiety/panic attacks at the moment.  Like I said above, I love talking to him and he makes me feel so comfortable.  :)    I am willing to take that risk.  I don't judge a book by its cover and I NEVER, NEVER EVER judge people by thei...

I have been sleeping really good since Jason has been gone to his mother's house.  He is going on a Cruise the week of August 29th.  Of course I did dream about Emanuel again, the ex-boyfriend-the high school sweetheart. I really loved him so much but I was hurt when he cheated on me with another girl and even got her pregnant. I did not ever want to be hurt like that ever again.   I will write more later as I think of something else, please just give me time.  Please be patient.      To be honest I love AJ to de...dea....  I really don't like to say that word as it scared the sh*t out of me.  So I'll just say I love him to pieces!  I want to see AJ just try to take me away from Jason.  I want him to.   Here is a song I feel at the moment and will try to do.   https://youtu.be/dyAfjUHlFSM I'm about to tell I how I'm feeling......  but I can only describe how I feel through a song.  Here is how I fe...

Today's the day that the Silicone Baby is arriving here.  I am going into  Silicone Reborn baby Labor today between 11am and 4pm.  

I don't know how to say this but I'll start with the anxiety and depression ratings.  The anxiety is through the roof and then like coming straight up out of the crown of my head.  The depression is not so bad. I would say depression is about an 8.   I will write more later when I think of how to say this.   He really is a nice guy.  :)  

  If I could write a note to my younger self---I would tell her that if she wants to overcome her Selective Mutism, go for it! Don't let your anxiety get in the way of getting what you want! Take risks.  

Well for starters I dreamed that I had my own apartment but it was just me there at first. At first, I wanted my own house. But after living in my parent's house, I'm not so sure anymore as it is worse than it was when we first moved in 1997.   It it it it's like an episode of hoarders!!!  He (see I cant say names because of selective mutism) sent me a video of a song that was so deep and felt something. Oh is it alright if I meet him?  See cant say names. But I know who I'm talking about? Does he?  Can someone help me work on this name thing? I would like to address this when getting someone's attention. Instead of just saying hey.  Oh this is really hard for me to say even behind a screen on a blog but he is definitely inspiring me to write more in my blog. (thank you 😇)  Yeah, I have a lot more questions but I am shaking as I write this. Great! It just left my head and my mind. Oh how convenient!?  :'(  I'll think of it later, I promise. ...

My thoughts are the problem.  The anxiety of speaking to someone is that my mind is telling me that someone will judge me. I guess that my mind takes over the anxiety and I can't breathe, my throat is sore.  I don't know how to say this but um.... I um...I don't know what it is but I have been talking to someone on uh.... Facebook but I met him on urm.........uh ehem fubar.com in 2011.  I um.. and um... I actually said that I always loved him.  I have always knew that I loved him. I have been talking to him a lot more.    OMG!  Did I say that?