My Blog

On my birthday yesterday, I for the most part had an okay day.  But Jason, I don't know he was making me feel anxious.  Plus, I could not run or do anything.  A little bit later in the evening before I went downstairs to open my present, Yeah my friend came to visit me.  She makes me eat chocolate. (shut up, Jason)   She stresses me out and she makes me think all sorts of intrusive thoughts! :'(   The intrusive thoughts could be that I'm not good enough. 

Today is my birthday and my monthly friend came to visit me.  She makes me eat chocolate and everything else.  She makes me drink these dr peppers and every now then a coke.  She totally stresses me out.  And then horrendous thoughts that I think.  Let's see the latest one is this:  I will ask this:  Am I always rude and mean to other people?   On a scale from one to ten I would say that anxiety is at a 10 and depression is a 10.  Now that my friend came to visit me on my birthday. ugh!!! The depression went back down to an 8.   The anxiety went back down to a 5.  But the anxiety went back up to an 8 when Jason called on Skype.     

I had my first 2021 nightmare and it was about my niece.  Well, There is a tree my back yard and it was rocking back and forth and bleeding from the trunk of the tree.  Well, It finally fell over in my dream.  It missed me and Karin, but it fell over on my niece Rebecca.     About the tree bleeding from the trunk. Maybe that was a sign I'm about to start my monthly.  I dont know what the part of my dream means. 

I promise I won't say another word about it, just to get tested for it. To shut me up about once and for all about it.  Well, I think I was tested when I was 2 or 3 but sometimes it can be missed.  I promise I will not say another word about it if I do not have autism.    

 I don't know how this toilet got so bad. I guess I can try this again. I already tried this one time. I'm not sure I can try this again as it did not work out! :'(  It will never work out for as long as I live!!!!!!!!!! I have to listen to elderly people and think that living alone will not work!   On a scale to 1 to 10 on anxiety, I would say that the anxiety is about a 10.  And then on a scale from 1 to 10, the depression is about a 10.  Well that is what I feel like.  :'(   These pipes in this house are really old and crotchety.  Nothing will work upstairs, the toilet you can just forget it. It won't work right.  I want to move but I can't until my parents say that I can.  :'(    I can't even move into an apartment because I scare people. My dog is even scared!!!!! :'(      Oh why don't they just move and get it over with and move into a nursing home.  My dad's low back or hips is in back....

I just want you know that these past few days were painful for me Dec 16 to Dec 23 back in 2012 and really I can't think of the word I'm trying to say. That SM is so frustrating!!!! I will come back here to write what the word is I'm trying to think of later. I don't know what it is am trying to say. SM is so frustrating!!!!!!!! :'(  What is it called? Or is it part of who I am or something? Alls I know is that it is too painful to remember. When that year comes around every year, I get sad. Depressed even.  Another reborn baby is born. Her kit name is KateLyn. I put her together and here is a picture of her. I bought her from bountifulbaby.com But she's from another site called Kinby.com A sister site like Bountiful Baby. They took a 3d image of a real baby. Or maybe they scanned a 3d image of a real baby.

After 9 years ago today back in 2012?  Was it 9 years ago today? Sorry I don't know that math.  I'm ready to talk about this. Well this is the anniversary of the day that Jason screamed at my computer because it would not cooperate and it triggered me to have an anxiety attack.  And that is when I went into the bathroom to get ready to go.  That is when Marcy the apartment manager wanted to talk to me.  I was having an anxiety attack in my bathroom.  :'(  I did not come out of the bathroom because I thought she was going to trigger me more than I already was triggered.  I just didn't know what would do if I was triggered more.  And with all these anxiety attacks I was having (but I didn't know that at the time) my blood pressure would go up and I would have a heart attack and die.  :'(  Would a person with anxiety/panic have a heart attack and die?   On December 16, which fell on a Sunday It was raining that day. I remembe...