Friday December 18, 2020 | 9 years ago today (I'm ready to talk about this now)

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After 9 years ago today back in 2012?  Was it 9 years ago today? Sorry I don't know that math.  I'm ready to talk about this. Well this is the anniversary of the day that Jason screamed at my computer because it would not cooperate and it triggered me to have an anxiety attack.  And that is when I went into the bathroom to get ready to go.  That is when Marcy the apartment manager wanted to talk to me.  I was having an anxiety attack in my bathroom.  :'(  I did not come out of the bathroom because I thought she was going to trigger me more than I already was triggered.  I just didn't know what would do if I was triggered more.  And with all these anxiety attacks I was having (but I didn't know that at the time) my blood pressure would go up and I would have a heart attack and die.  :'(  Would a person with anxiety/panic have a heart attack and die?  


On December 16, which fell on a Sunday It was raining that day. I remember I took Jordan out to pee and it started raining so I squealed and ran to get under the building's roof. I did not scream. BIG DIFFERENCE!  A squeel was what I did when I saw the New Kids on the Block in concert in Houston Texas on February 10 1990 and in Oakland California on February 24, 1991.  I know why do I remember everything?  Well I don't remember everything.  I just remember the past and forget the current or about things that happened about three days ago.    


December 20 2012 was the day that granmaw was in the hospital dying. It was hard to breathe, breathing rapidly, I could not take deep breaths. it was hard to breathe.  So I guess that was an anxiety attack standing in the hallway looking at granmaw in the hospital bed and almost crying?  I did not have a full blown anxiety attack until I got home that afternoon.  I'm crying as I write this of what happened on December 20, back in 2012.     The day that Granmaw was in the hospital on December 20th back in 2012 was the day I was triggered.  I did not know what to say or how to act.  I was breathing heavy, I couldn't breathe properly.  Was that an anxiety attack?      OMG!  I'm breathing heavy as I write this.  I cried as I wrote this.         

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