My Blog

What was I like when I was young, when I was “myself?” What qualities do I miss about her? I guess I never talked alot but I talked some.  I was really sweet.  What did I want to be when I grew up?   When I was 13, I wanted to be an actress.  Mom didn't like that idea.  I had to be able to talk to do that.   What did I think life as a grown up would be like? Honestly I thought it would be easy.  I just thought I could do anything that I wanted to.  WRONG!  No selective mutism individual can really do anything that they want to because they are naive and gullible.  They are more prone to people pushing them around and making them do things that they don't feel comfortable doing at the moment.  

Let's start with yesterday.  I was fine until my blood sugar results came in and I thought I was going to die!  The depression right then at about 6pm was a 10.  The anxiety was also about a 10.   The whole thing was my own fault when I starved myself in my 20s trying to stay at a healthy weight of around 139.  Then when I got into the apartment, I figured out I could cook for myself.  I became overweight.  Then I got bigger and bigger.  I would like to think it was perimenopausal weight in my late 30s but I was too young then.  When I was 40 maybe.  But then again maybe I was 46 when I got to perimenopause.  I don't know, It didn't hit me until now.  

Monday, February 10, 2025 | 125/77

I believe that when a person has a severe anxiety disorder like selective mutism, I think that they are more likely to get high blood sugar but I don't think that they would get diabetes persay. It is a severe anxiety disorder.  Does this make any sense to you?  Okay, I'm not sure I said that right.  

My doctor just told me that I was pre-diabetic.  I exercise like mad for 120 minutes doing aerobic exercise and I am still pre. My diet is terrible. I eat sugar, and carbs. What do I do? 

What was a turning point in my life? Well I probably won't have a turning point for another 10 years unless I already had one and didn't know it. It was probably the time mom made the decision for me to move back home which is what I did not want to do. I think the best thing for all of us was to send me to a hospital as I knew that my medication was going haywire on me and no one believed me. Mom just didn't want any change to my medications. Duh! If it would have make it better then it would have been the best decision was to send me to a hospital .  No one believed me so they just ignored it and went on.

Weight went down 0.2.  I always thought if I go to the bathroom I always lose weight. Yes I am losing weight but I still have high blood sugar until I go back the doctor in August with the fasting labs a week before. My doctor doesn't know that I love love love to exercise to boost my mental health. If people would care more about their mental health everything else would fall into place!!!  Just make yourself a priority and soon all of your numbers will come down again. Then doing maintenance and keeping all the numbers down. High blood pressure and high blood sugar and etc.   I believe that journaling for weight loss helps to lose weight. Even Pahla B on YouTube says that. She is the journaling for weight loss expert. I tried journaling for weight loss and sure enough it does work!