My Blog

I just come to realize that he loves me to death.  How serious is he?  Does he love me for me?   I love him for him. First, I love his eyes.  Then I love his personality.  Did I hear right that he wanted to marry me someday?  That is the thing, I don't know.   I would like to meet him to see if I could speak to him freely as I do on video chat.  Well, some of the time.  But my mom would have to leave the area as soon as he got there because I would not be able to speak to him if she was beside me. I swear to god!   I love him.   

What is AJ doing?  Like is he trying to teach me something?  Is he trying to teach me not to be negative towards Jason?  Jason is and always will be an asshole.  Jason is once an asshole, always an asshole! Jason tells me that it is part of his ADD or ADHD.  

What a horrible thing to experience!  Every time I get to thinking about this.... people think that I get angry every damn time and it's not right for me to do that because I end up making things worse and end up screwing things up and or breaking things!!!  Then people start yelling at me like it's my fault that I got Selective Mutism on purpose!  :'(  I did not get this on purpose and I would never wish this on anyone else.  It is a horrible thing to experience for the person who has it and for the people around that person who has Selective Mutism.  I feel like I want to run away when I get to know or if they even want to get to know me.  I want to run away and see if I can make it.  These are the questions that are popping up in my head:  How would they support me?  How would I get a doctor to prescribe my medications?  How would I get my medications?  How would I get to the doctor every year?  What if I get sick?...

I don't know how to word this to say what I want to do in the title.  Is it alright if I meet him?  Like say Walmart or somewhere close by.  Best places to hang out in Beaumont are just Dowlen Road.  All the rest are off-limits as they are the worst part of town.  It's either meeting him and they know it or I'm just going to run off.  I want to but I don't know the first thing about doing that.  What will be my first plan?  What will I do next?  Or should I leave on good terms so I know I have something to come back to?  Or should I ever come back?  I really have medications that are really expensive without insurance.  Not sure how how much but I'm sure that is probably none of my business. Well it is my business but I should not know about that part of me.  Just speak about me to other people in front of me, okay. That is all I ask!!!  I have a confession to make.  I almost met someone who lives in my hometown ...

The more I talk to him, the more I love him. Now, what was I saying in here?    How am I going to phrase this. um... like I feel that um..  want to dammit, it won't come out. I need help. Help!  Yes, I love him more and more every day.  I have never felt like this about anyone else.  Shit! That didn't sound right. 

I have a lot of questions but I don't know where to start.  How does he feel about me?  How is he going to support me?  I know that is a lot for me to process.  I may have selective mutism but I am certainly not stupid.  I'm sorry that I had to say that but I am (what is the word I'm trying to say?)  

I don't know how to phrase this but every guy I had been with said they wanted marry me.  I really don't want to trigger a panic attack as I type this.  First Manuel said he wanted to marry me........... no wait he said he wanted to live with me.  Then Jason said he wanted marry me but he was too afraid of my dad to ask. No wait, Manuel was different there was an age difference but I still loved him. Age difference does not matter as long as they love one another.  Does that sound right?  Now Aj said last night he wanted to marry me.  I love aj far too much.