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Um... Like I mentioned in a past blog--- he is so adorably cute no scratch that.  He's so adorably hot!  If I could I totally would date him.  I totally dare him to take me away from Jason.  Wait..... I think he already did.  My heart is with AJ.  I don't want to ever stop talking to him.  I care about him so much. I smile every time he calls me.     And I'm speaking from my heart. :)   I can't think of any more to write. I'm running out of things to say here. Oh one and only thing.  I am only exercising for my mental health!!!!  I don't care what anyone thinks or says!!!!   I AM ONLY EXERCISING FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!!!!!!   OMG!  Get this Jason's mother got him into going to the gym!!!  Do you even believe that?   I don't believe that not for a second!!!!  UGH! Between you and me--- I think he will stop all of that when he goes back to work next week.  UH-HUH!!!  ...

 I had a 15 or 20-minute panic attack of realizing that I don't have any money and no way of because no one understands me and my Selective Mutism. and they don't understand my anxiety/panic attacks!!!  No way of working or doing anything.  Because like I said, my family thinks that people are going to take advantage of me just because of my Selective Mutism! I think this is why they are keeping me on a tight leash!!!!!  People can't control what other people do so my family just keeps me on a tight leash instead!!! Changing the subject---today is the anniversary of Hurricane Harvey!!!!  That was terrible.  OMG!  I still can't forget it.  My parents got about 4 foot of water in their house--but my half of the house was dry.  They lost everything but the clothes on their back.     8:30pm-- I self-harmed again. :'(   I am not sure what triggered it.  Why do we self-harm?  I just want to keep that between me an...

Today I got up rolled over and texted AJ then he video called me.  I laid in bed for a few more minutes and then got up got some coffee.  By then AJ started talking about sending me something. OMG!  He is serious.  So he took a risk and sent me something to show that he cares for me.  Oh by way, we have been talking for 10 years....well we have been talking since 2011.  Oh by the way, it was about I would say it was between 4pm and 4:30 when the flowers were there on the doorstep.  I would like to know something else but don't know how to phrase it.  Oh it will come to me later. Yeah, and I will come back here and write it here when it does.  I promise.  :)   So what else does he have in store?  Well I guess that was a general question.   I keep telling myself everything will be fine.  Then someone comes along and pops it up in my head that I did something stupid.  I am grateful that he is nice.  :...

My body has been feeling weird for about the past two weeks?  I have been feeling shaky and feeling good.  I can't describe it.  I really love talking to AJ. He makes or allows me to be myself.  I don't know I can't find the right words for what I'm trying to say.  I would like to talk about this.  If I could I would totally date AJ.  He makes me feel comfortable, loved and he lets or allows me to feel good about myself.  I just love him for who he is.  He is honest just like me.  Is it okay if I meet him if someone who I can talk to freely is right there with me?  No, not my mom but someone else.     Need some advice from my relatives if they aren't afraid of my anxiety/panic attacks at the moment.  Like I said above, I love talking to him and he makes me feel so comfortable.  :)    I am willing to take that risk.  I don't judge a book by its cover and I NEVER, NEVER EVER judge people by thei...

I have been sleeping really good since Jason has been gone to his mother's house.  He is going on a Cruise the week of August 29th.  Of course I did dream about Emanuel again, the ex-boyfriend-the high school sweetheart. I really loved him so much but I was hurt when he cheated on me with another girl and even got her pregnant. I did not ever want to be hurt like that ever again.   I will write more later as I think of something else, please just give me time.  Please be patient.      To be honest I love AJ to de...dea....  I really don't like to say that word as it scared the sh*t out of me.  So I'll just say I love him to pieces!  I want to see AJ just try to take me away from Jason.  I want him to.   Here is a song I feel at the moment and will try to do.   https://youtu.be/dyAfjUHlFSM I'm about to tell I how I'm feeling......  but I can only describe how I feel through a song.  Here is how I fe...

Today's the day that the Silicone Baby is arriving here.  I am going into  Silicone Reborn baby Labor today between 11am and 4pm.  

I don't know how to say this but I'll start with the anxiety and depression ratings.  The anxiety is through the roof and then like coming straight up out of the crown of my head.  The depression is not so bad. I would say depression is about an 8.   I will write more later when I think of how to say this.   He really is a nice guy.  :)