My Blog

We had a thunderstorm here and the lights went out for about two hours.  I just meditated for about two hours paying attention to the mindfulness of my breath.  Then I witnessed the trees outside blowing around from the wind.  The rain that just came through was a little cold front of 56 degrees.  That is not that cold.  To me, a cold front is about 36 degrees.      

Last night on Friday I had an anxiety attack. Plus, I could not sleep because of that blinking colored night light. I leave the computers on as night lights so I can see where I'm going when I get up to pee. I  can tell this going to be worse. I need a night light in the hallway.    I turned it off tonight but I hate it when it is pitch black in here! My mind would not let me rest. I kept thinking about a fire that could go on in the kitchen and that I like had my microwave plug in a weird place so it could stay plugged in so I could microwave my food or drink.  Now I'm scared every dam night after I go to sleep.  And someone is going to tell me that everything is fine when my mind is going everywhere!!!!!!!! :'(   It's been about eight years since they thought the world was going to end in 2012.  You know what?  I really believed that. The more I believed that the more I got scared and the more I was having panic attacks I think and the more...

Today on December 9 when I meditated, I could feel this warm white light almost like I was sitting in the sun then I realized I was sitting in the house.  I went back to awareness of the body and realized I was sitting upright in a chair.  The light was coming from two lamps on my desk.           

Back before there was Internet way back in the 80's when I was 10 to about 12, I thought that I had a personality disorder.  I was not too young to know what it was and that it is a real disorder.  I don't know why I thought that.  I guess because I had many thoughts in my head and then I would talk to myself in other voices.  The voice that I spoke to my parents and my sister in was a high-pitched or whisper and then when I was alone I would speak in a "normal voice".   Now today's world there is a voice that I speak to people on the internet in and then there is a "normal voice" that I speak to myself in which it is always negative and then there is a "voice" that I speak to relatives in which is a whisper or high-pitched sound.  I guess the whisper, or high pitched voice is my "anxious voice".  The comfortable voice is the voice that I spend the most time with myself being alone.  My words sound better when I am alone. As soon as I...

Yesterday Sunday December 6,  was the strangest day.  Well I accidentally called someone on Facebook and called Charlene.  I shocked the hell out of myself when I spoke to her when someone else James was in the Facebook chat with me.  At first my throat started to close up but then it opened up and relaxed a little and I could speak.         

Does anyone else with Selective Mutism or anxiety worry a lot about what if someone else needed help and it all depended on me?  I worry a lot about how I may not be able to call 9-1-1 if someone slipped and fell say my mom or dad for example.  I guess if I were able to call, I would speak slowly and calmly or if I was not able to, I wonder if I would be able to at least call my sister?  See?  This is the thing I worry about most.  :'(  

What is more important to me?  Having a shelf to put a few dishes, and canned goods and my toaster oven on?  Or doing something I really enjoy?   That is a hard decision because I can only one do one thing.  :'(  So what do I want more?  The problem?  I don't know what it is that I enjoy.  :'(  So I'm asking people now.  What is it that I enjoy doing?  I don't know much about myself and people seem to know plenty about me to know what I like to do.     Wait............   I can either sign up for a RUN or buy a shelf.  Now what is it that I want more?  That is a hard decision for me because I would love both!   :'(   Now my shoulders hurt carrying that much weight around my body.  Why would my shoulders hurt?  My shoulders are up on top.  Now it sounds really dumb if I say that the bottom of my foot hurts because I "RUN" too much.  Which sounds just about...