Wednesday December 2, 2020 | What is more important?

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What is more important to me?  Having a shelf to put a few dishes, and canned goods and my toaster oven on?  Or doing something I really enjoy?   That is a hard decision because I can only one do one thing.  :'(  So what do I want more?  The problem?  I don't know what it is that I enjoy.  :'(  So I'm asking people now.  What is it that I enjoy doing?  I don't know much about myself and people seem to know plenty about me to know what I like to do.     Wait............   I can either sign up for a RUN or buy a shelf.  Now what is it that I want more?  That is a hard decision for me because I would love both!   :'(   Now my shoulders hurt carrying that much weight around my body.  Why would my shoulders hurt?  My shoulders are up on top.  Now it sounds really dumb if I say that the bottom of my foot hurts because I "RUN" too much.  Which sounds just about right.  Or it could be that the arch of my foot hurts because I'm carrying so much weight around my body.  That probably makes more sense then "running all the time".  So I'm going to keep running and continue "trying to lose this weight".     Feet are not supposed to be this big on me or fat!     If a person loses pounds their feet will drop a size too.  I asked Google and it said yes feet will drop a shoe size.  But I said it was only one foot, (my right foot arch) that is in discomfort is what I like to think.   :)  Oh by-the-way, I have been running a 20 minute sustained run since Thanksgiving Day!  


This afternoon when I was in meditation, I felt like I was having a panic attack.  I could not breathe.  Then when I could breathe, I was breathing heavily.    

Tonight I haven't done this in a long time.  Of course, I felt better afterward.  You can hardly see it as I held a piece of ice in my hand and then put it directly on my arm.  :'(  Cutting? Really?  Now?  :'(  Not a deep cut but still I felt better after. Gosh, I still feel dizzy.  Does anyone else feel dizzy after they cut or self-harm?       


But really what is more important?  Signing up for a run and running out of money or volunteering after the coronavirus is over and everything is fine again. But really I have a deep down feeling that we will have to still wear masks which will be good for me as they can't see my mouth when I speak and then the downside is they can't hear me with a mask on.  *shugs*         

Is autism quite hard to detect in adults? I do not think anyone can see it in me. But is like self harm part of a symptom of autism?  I am trying to figure this out but it's hard. 😢😢









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