Saturday December 12, 2020 | anxiety attack, and feeling worse!

Last night on Friday I had an anxiety attack. Plus, I could not sleep because of that blinking colored night light. I leave the computers on as night lights so I can see where I'm going when I get up to pee. I  can tell this going to be worse. I need a night light in the hallway.    I turned it off tonight but I hate it when it is pitch black in here! My mind would not let me rest. I kept thinking about a fire that could go on in the kitchen and that I like had my microwave plug in a weird place so it could stay plugged in so I could microwave my food or drink.  Now I'm scared every dam night after I go to sleep.  And someone is going to tell me that everything is fine when my mind is going everywhere!!!!!!!! :'(  

It's been about eight years since they thought the world was going to end in 2012.  You know what?  I really believed that. The more I believed that the more I got scared and the more I was having panic attacks I think and the more people thought those panic attacks looked like anger to them.  :'(  That really angers me!!!! I could cry all over again as it is almost that time again. Again, it was on December 20, 2012 that I believe that I had an anxiety attack and everything blew up at once.  It was Christmas and my granmaw was dying and there was nothing I could do to convince mom and dad to let me stay in that apartment and go into a phychiatric hospital for a week or how many months it would take.  That would have been the better option to take.  I believed I was depressed back in 2012 really depressed.  On a scale from one to ten, ten being the absolute worst I could feel depressed, it would be an 8.  Now 2014 it was about a 10 and then boiling over!!!  and even tears dropping down my cheeks and not even NKOTB could make me feel better after watching their videos.  :'(     

In the present moment if I had to rate my depression from 1 to 10. It goes up and down every day.  Ten being the worst, I would say it is a 10. It is not boiling over but is a 10. 

Then tonight I read that a SM individual was doing stuff for herself like she was calling the doctor for an appointment.