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Jason told me that I get mad for no reason and for the small little stuff.  Jason, on the other hand, told me that he has a reason to get mad.  :'(  That is not fair for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so irritated that Jason said that.  Do I get really mad and for no reason at all?  I feel so trapped!!! I am tired of this this this..... um... I'm tired of this coronavirus crap!   The isolation and the loneliness.  :'(   Now people know how I felt all these years when I have Selective Mutism.  With Selective Mutism, I am really isolated and lonely but I deal with that every day for years.  With the quartine, you get isolated.  Same for Selective Mutism I get isolated.

I think I am having a panic attack because my google play card ran out!  I think I can get a google play card every month for $10.99.  I did find quite a few podcasts to listen to.  Right now I am listening to Tara Brach that my Uncle Max recommended.  I did find her on Insight Timer before that and on YouTube before that.  I like listening to her so far.  I'm listening to her podcast for pandemic fears. Well, I'm not really understanding it yet as I have auditory processing disorder.  I would have to listen to it all night while I am asleep.

Hey.  I wanted to write this down in case I forget this.  Is it good to take everything seriously like the coronavirus for instance like the Social distancing stuff?  Social distancing is somewhat part of Selective Mutism whereas a person with Selective Mutism take things too far.  They get anxious when people get too close to them.  People with Selective Mutism keep a 6ft distance from people as just like the coronavirus. That is why this is so easy for a person with Selective Mutism but yet it so much like taking things up a notch.  And the OCD, I was already a clean freak, the Coronavirus is just like taking things up a notch.  But never, ever judge a person who has anxiety and who also as a messy room because obviously, they have something going on there like mental health issues or something? 

Okay.  I dreamed that I was buried alive and about 6 feet under and going further into the ground. But I was not in a coffin.  Here is the weird part, I was in the dirt and trapped in it.   Then I dreamed about my granmaw. (a vistor in my dream)  I kept waking myself up screaming.  Does this sound like an anxiety dream? When I think about that dream I start screaming.  Is that also called Intrusive thoughts?  I meant when is it Intrusive thoughts? I am scared to go to bed.

I meditated on Insight Timer.  Well I go back and forth between the two meditations "Mindfulness for Releasing Anxiety" and Tonglen Practice for Coronavirus/COVID-19 Anxiety".  Those two meditations seem to be helping me at the moment.  Today is my dad's birthday and It must suck to have a birthday during the coronavirus outbreak.  April 24 is New Kids On The Block day.  NKOTB is going live every week on Tuesday on YouTube during the Coronavirus and this past Tuesday April 7 2020 I was actually too afraid to say/type anything as my SM was showing up and I could not speak.  I mean I literally could not speak/type anything.  I wanted to though.  I just could not. :'( 

Well, I have taken most of my flowers outside.  All I have now inside that planted inside is the peppermint.  I will go outside and check on my flowers. Let's see I planted sunflowers, daisies and Lavender.  I took them outside to see if they perk up out there.  lol!  Should make the bees happy when they start to pollenate them. ha! LMAO!  I love flowers. As soon as this social distancing is over and the coronavirus is gone, I will some yellow, green and orange beads and make more dragonfly earrings.  Then I will buy a zen garden that I was supposed to buy myself in March before all this coronavirus stuff exploded.

I think Jason understands now why I went stir crazy and was depressed all the time.  He thinks it was because I can't do anything. But really also because of my SM of not being able to speak as also I think my parents will get mad at what I will say I want to do, volunteer at BCP AND maybe get into psychology to learn more about Selective Mutism and Autism. And maybe take a singing class too. :) 12:38 PM- omg! That is what I said at 5am this morning and then fell asleep until 8:30am. 4:12PM- My arms and my upper back hurts and I finally figured out why. I was doing something on the WII U and was doing some exercises that was kickboxing.Oh man, I was really going at it full force!  Amazing!