My Blog

Jason told me that I was screaming in my sleep.  I don't believe him.  I want to know if I am really unaware that I am screaming in my sleep.  Now I know where I am getting this sh*t because my dad full on yells in his sleep.  One time mom said that my dad actually raised his hand/arm in his sleep. Ohh that would be horrible if actually hit someone or something.  Here is something from Mayo Clinic that I found.  I only go to the .org websites.   Sleep terrors (night terrors) - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic Finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own . seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to. finding it hard to say how you feel. taking things very literally – for example, you may not understand sarcasm or phrases like "break a leg"" The phrase "break a leg"? Honestly, well when I first heard it, it didn't register in my brain because I didn't know the meaning and plus I was too afraid to ask. ...

 The time back in 2012 I wouldn't have thought to move myself out of the apartment.  I would have just stayed there until they beat me into ground and pushed me around.  I wouldn't have known the first thing to do to move out of the apartment.  See? This is why I am not normal.  I don't know the first thing to do when trying to get an apartment or trying to move out of an apartment.  It is not "normal" that I do the things that I do!   I remember mom saying that if I write stories just to practice writing and maybe like turning my writing practice into more like a career. She said that back in the 1980's.   But that is all over now.  That wouldn't be appropriate for my age now.  Now I am asking why?  I don't see why I can't write for extra spending cash?  What is she afraid of?  Is she afraid of me saying something stupid and relatives reads it and it embarrasses her?  1) I don't think anyone reads my blog e...

When people are talking and something about guns and shooting comes up and I think a thought about someone saying that it will literally come back down hitting someone in the head.  Is that one called an intrusive thought?  This is really embarrassing to ask but what is that called?  It's probably something called a normal thought and everyone thinks things like this all the time.  It is normal.   A lot of the times these kinds of thoughts scare the shit out of me. There was one thought I had that I would hit someone on the head with a frying pan and it was on a good day.  It scared the shit out of me.  And on those days a conversation triggers something.   Oh there was this time when we cross a railroad track and there was a train coming. It was way off down the tracks but still.  I wanted to say "goodbye I'm leaving out the car. I sincerely suggest that you come with me out the car to everyone in the car or you can just kiss your ...

  Actually I do have snapchat, instagram. I hardly ever use them because I am always on Facebook hiding behind my public page I Am Affirmations posting affirmations.  

I was told that I didn't have any fears. By who? Not quite sure.  But why am I afraid to stand up for myself?  The short answer is I don't know.  I don't even know why I am afraid to stand up for myself.  I guess the simplest thing for me to do is let everyone do for me what they have always done for years without any arguments from me. And no ifs, and or buts.  I just do whatever it is that people ask me to do and that's that.  But why can't I do something for me?  Because people don't think that I can make the right choices for myself.  So people have to make decisions for me.  Like if say what if I want to meet someone?  People would automatically pop up and say "no, that is not a good idea".  This is why I say that I am mentally a three year old.  Yes, physically I am a 51 year old but I'm mentally a three year old.  I think that I will always be mentally a three year old.   I'm not done yet.  

I believe my SM is situation mutism.  I can speak in certain situations with certain people when they make me feel comfortable.  Other situations I simply cannot speak for the life of me. The title is just the title of the video.  Most people if you don't know them will judge you--but in my case most people that I do know that really don't understand selective mutism will judge me except two people those would be my best friends on the internet.  You know who you are.  :)  All others do not understand.  Let's say make that three people.    

This sounds familiar that I have done when I was younger.  The last time was pretty recent.  But the worst one was in 2014 before the hospital in Houston at Cypress Creek.  People who have selective mutism and autism do this when they are mad.  It comes from frustration and not being able to physically speak.  This is the reason for me saying that I could have mild autism or even asperger's.