My Blog

You can either believe me or not when I talk about this. That your belief NOT mine!  I hope that I remember all of this. If I don't, please don't sue me.  Like I said, you can either listen to this or not. The video below triggered this memory.  Stupid I know but that's just my stupid ass and how my brain works.  Well I like I said, my family has their beliefs and I have mine about what happened in kindergarten that first day.   A kid in my class back then told me that I was weird for asking such questions, but that was no reason to stop talking to people.  The kid's name was Paul Beaumont.  He didn't like what I said that first day so he started teasing me all the time.  I am wondering if I was talking when I entered kindergarten back in 1979.  At least I think I was in kindergarten back in 1979.  I will never let that kid live that one down that he was once back then. Well now he's a fully grown man .  I say that because it's...

When I joined weight watchers back in 2005 to lose weight, everyone was losing weight and I was going backwards and gaining weight and I still keep gaining weight. I love exercise but there is an issue. I gain weight when I exercise. I am eating too much. I shouldn't eat so many apples and peanut butter or so many salads with salads with dressing. I may as well say have a little dressing with your salad.  Rating. Anxiety - I would say it is about 10! Depression - I would have to say that it is about an 8.  I don't know what happened. It all happened so fast. I am starting to believe that I am gaining weight.  

I have to apoligize for this dream.  But I'm sorry for the dream that I had last night about AJ.  I dreamed that I ran away from home and guess who I ran to?  Isn't that something?  I ran to AJ.  But he would have nothing to do with me in my dream.  :'(  Well I guess that dream tells me something.  Unless AJ has a different belief of me.  But no one ever reads my blogs except for AJ and James.  Oh and Matresa reads them too.  

I have back and arm pain from my 200 or rather over 235 pound body which I am trying to ignore.  But it's really hard.  I keep trying to blame it on my old ass mattress but that is kind of psychological and unreal.  So I just blame it on my weight.  I'm going stay on track all week. I can just hear Jason telling me that after you bought those Reese's BIG CUP, I don't see how I'm going to stay on track.  I did ask my mom to hide those Reese's BIG CUP from me and her both.  Of course they did have caramel in it besides the peanut butter.  In my opinion, the caramel overpowers the peanut butter and you can't even taste it.  The whole point of a Reese peanut butter cup is the PEANUT BUTTER!  So they completely ruined a perfectly good Reese's peanut butter cup by adding the caramel.  So far, I have tasted Reese's pieces in a Reese's peanut butter cup. Oh by the way, that is nasty.  But all people are different.  They just have to tr...

As I was saying NKOTB always have made me smile except for that time back in 2014.  That was a time that I was a deep dark depression.  I was so down that not even watching NKOTB's videos were making me feel better.  AJ came back around and helped me come out of it.  When NKOTB first came out or when I first heard them back in 1988, It was just something about them and their music that made me feel better.  "Baby, I believe in you", "Hangin Tough", and their song "Whisper" after they reunited. Are just a few to name.  I believe it was back in 2013. The name of the album was 10.  So it wasn't just about their looks, it was more than that.  It was how they remained so positive.  Hangin Tough said enough like to always hang tough again drugs and gangs and against negative people.  Well I added the last one!  I also loved them because they are so positive! I'm sure I can speak for other BHsisters as well!  :)   I made a v...

I found this on selective mutism center official website.  There is hope!  I am determined to overcome this bitch!  Sorry for the language.  Perhaps I can somehow do virtual telehealth?  Pennsylvania is where selective mutism center is?  How much this will cost, I am not sure.  This may be the last thing I will ever pay for awhile.  Then I will have to build up the money in social security again.  I will then have to starve myself as I save up money.  I can very well live off my fat as I lose the rest of this weight off me.  Check out the link below.  It should say individual treatment for adults.  What is the individual treatment?  Do you think I should try it?  I'll try anything once. Even if I don't have money for awhile.  LOL!     Getting Started - Selective Mutism Anxiety & Related Disorders Treatment Center | SMart Center (selectivemutismcenter.org)

I am so tired of my family and friends assuming everything.  If I'm not on google, I am on YouTube watching podcasts. But they also say that I watch other people who have other disorders and copying off of them!  Why would I copy there disorder?  Why would I do that?  When I have selective mutism to face. Humm?  Self-harmed today because he said that I was assuming that Well I keep getting the impression that they are assuming that I don't know anything about selective mutism and I should ask a doctor because doctors tell the truth.  Doctors do not know shit about selective mutism!   The only one who doesn't assume anything about me is AJ. Why?  I just need to forget about him and move on.  I can't ask anyone anything.  I am limited to what I can do and what I can ask.