My Blog

Ugh!  I could just see Jason making fun of me just because I got started late in life.  It's just something that that Jason would do.  Let's say it's well into my 60's and I have to and I just have to go into a nursing home with my mom and dad.  I was well and I mean well protected all my life. I can't even experience being like in an apartment and doing stuff for myself.  My dream to get a house of my own but I don't see that happening anytime soon.   I can't think of what it's called now.  Maybe it's not meant to be in my genes.  Independent!  I wish I could have been miss independent since I was 23 but I think kinda waaaayyyy too late now.  lol  Somehow I was meant to be taken care of and meant to have selective mutism and meant to be protected all of my life and never meant to do anything that I think I can do.  It's always about what my family thinks that I can do!  But I have to live with that pain the rest of m...

What does it mean when I want to do things on my own but....... I feel that I don't want to be abandoned which I will be when or if I get into an apartment?  

This is how I felt all these years ago. I would say since I was 2 or 3. This little quiet individual. I thought someone back then was hurt me. Yes I still think that now when some walks up to me in a store. Well.... I actually went off topic with this journal prompt. Oops!

Forget the mistake? No one wants to forget the mistakes. They always want to rub my nose in it all the time and never allow me to forget anything. I just want to do this all the time. Why can't I just go back there and do it all over again? Because they have a better idea....... What they say goes. People say I can't go back there because I ran out of money but I think their is so much more going on..... is because of their anxiety that they don't want to let me go back there again. Oh is it because of what people will do to me.... or could do to me. No one wants to talk about this and if they do they just joke about it and say that we will look into it! Ugh!!!  That is what people are "all talk and no action" when it comes to me.

I used to daytime everytime that this song about me becoming a singer or actress. I still do day dream about it every so often.   I don't know why but I love being miss center of the universe. There is more to being a singer and actress than just being on stage. Maybe I should just give that all up.  Jason burst my bubble about it this morning because he had the nerve to tell me this morning, that how am going to be an actress if I can't even talk in front of people?  Okay, Mr asshole, It is certain people and certain situations that i can't speak. I clam up and freeze in certain situations where when People walk up, or if they are in earshot, I clam up and my throat gets tight and prevents me from speaking.  That is a good question.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps someone could explain it to me?  People would get so irritated with me because I was daydreaming all the time most of New Kids on the Block.  But that is not all I was day dreaming a...

What makes me stand out from others?  Well, in one short answer is I have selective mutism.  I would like to take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and finantially. I would like to get an apartment by myself but I need the approval of others to be able to get an apartment, or go shopping, buy or sell things online.  If I forget anything, please tell me now.  I really don't want to be naive and gullible.  I really don't think that Jason knows the real meaning of naive and gullible.