My Blog

This is how I felt all these years ago. I would say since I was 2 or 3. This little quiet individual. I thought someone back then was hurt me. Yes I still think that now when some walks up to me in a store. Well.... I actually went off topic with this journal prompt. Oops!

Forget the mistake? No one wants to forget the mistakes. They always want to rub my nose in it all the time and never allow me to forget anything. I just want to do this all the time. Why can't I just go back there and do it all over again? Because they have a better idea....... What they say goes. People say I can't go back there because I ran out of money but I think their is so much more going on..... is because of their anxiety that they don't want to let me go back there again. Oh is it because of what people will do to me.... or could do to me. No one wants to talk about this and if they do they just joke about it and say that we will look into it! Ugh!!!  That is what people are "all talk and no action" when it comes to me.

I used to daytime everytime that this song about me becoming a singer or actress. I still do day dream about it every so often.   I don't know why but I love being miss center of the universe. There is more to being a singer and actress than just being on stage. Maybe I should just give that all up.  Jason burst my bubble about it this morning because he had the nerve to tell me this morning, that how am going to be an actress if I can't even talk in front of people?  Okay, Mr asshole, It is certain people and certain situations that i can't speak. I clam up and freeze in certain situations where when People walk up, or if they are in earshot, I clam up and my throat gets tight and prevents me from speaking.  That is a good question.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps someone could explain it to me?  People would get so irritated with me because I was daydreaming all the time most of New Kids on the Block.  But that is not all I was day dreaming a...

What makes me stand out from others?  Well, in one short answer is I have selective mutism.  I would like to take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and finantially. I would like to get an apartment by myself but I need the approval of others to be able to get an apartment, or go shopping, buy or sell things online.  If I forget anything, please tell me now.  I really don't want to be naive and gullible.  I really don't think that Jason knows the real meaning of naive and gullible.  

On a scale from 1 to 10. 10 being the worst and 1 being not at all. I would say that it feels like... Well the anxiety was at a 10 about two hours ago and now it's about a 6. I took an anxiety pill before I went to bed.   The depression was at a 10 about two hours ago and now? It's about a 5. 

Self-Compassion is doing nice things for yourself.  Recently, I bought myself someflowers.  Any other suggestions for self-compassion practice is greatly appreciated.  Eating a really good salad. Or buying yourself a nice coffee drink from Starbucks.  A Lavender coffee drink.  I wear Lavender. I drink Lavender.  I eat Lavender. But by any means...... I will not smoke it!  It is probably illegal anyway.  lol! Ya know Lavender is great for anxiety so I wonder it is legal.  LMAO!   Flowers are attached plus babygirl in that little circle thing in her favorite.  Happy (babygirl) will have nothing to do with cat tree that is downstairs.  

My first experience, or so what I think is self-doubt is when I moved into my first apartment.  It was December 2009. Just a little hint, don't ever move in the middle of a winter/holiday.  I moved back then and it all backfired. The next time I move again, or if it ever happens again I will move in spring or summer or fall even.  I had this doubt that everything would go haywire.  I said to myself "Gee, I wonder how long this is going to last".  I felt like I was going to lose it when the first time someone one bullied me over there at that apartment complex.  I couldn't do anything. I couldn't say anything.  I had to just stand there and take that thought.  I was bullied my whole life. Was I bullied my whole life?  Well I remember being bullied in school.  I was just an easy target for bullies throughout my whole school years - Kindergarten through all the way up until 12th grade.   If I forgot anything please tell me.  ...