My Blog

I didn't know what title to give this.  And I don't know what to say but this guy started messaging me on my 'Pamela's SM Journey' page and I have come to like him alot.  He is in his 40's and he is a contractor.   Contractor?  I am remembering TJ the asshole contractor after tropical storm Harvey! ugh! I knew TJ was bad news and a crook but I couldn't say anything.  My dad was going to do what he was going to do.  But TJ was just my bad feeling and creeped up there anxiety.  After Harvey took everything my parents had owned except for the clothes on their back. My dad met this contractor on the street. (something had happened between here. I am not sure) but what I do know is that TJ Martin took my parents money left my parents house half finished of what Harvey had damaged including the stairs and the front door.  Well they got the front door in, but the stairs are left unfinished.  I don't think that there is ever going to be carpet o...

I don't think that it is really fair to me that I got pulled out of an apartment.  I guess I was on the Verizon of getting kicked out by Marcy. My mom didn't want me to have a record of being kicked out of apartments.  But it still was not fair that I had to leave. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I should have pushed for me to get into a hospital back in 2012.  I should have pushed for me to stay in the apartment. But noooooo I was not strong enough or even not well enough to stick up for myself. And now I can't do now.  I would still have my dresser even today. But nooooo I just had to run down the the hall screaming because an old guy was trying to kiss me. Also, I think that I was majorly triggered because......

I want to hold onto my dignity and independence and I need to let go of attachments.  Before I get into this... what are attachments?   I'm reading it here:   The Power of Letting Go | Psychology Today Well last night was up for about 3 hours thinking about how my sister and brother-in-law and neice and nephew. They were about 1 and 2 then.  Also me, my mom and dad. My aunt and two cousins came to the beach later on.  Well me, my sister and brother-in-law with neice and nephew and two cousins were waving out into beach and I kept on getting more and more anxious.  I want to swim back to shore but couldn't I was frozen in fear.  Then a big wave came and I hauled it and swam back to the shore.  No one ever knew this because I was frozen in fear because of anxiety.  If Matthew was 2 and Rebecca was one so I'm just estimating that it was about 2001 or 2002.  That thing scared the sh*t out of me!  I still keep thinking about it...

Okay I think I remember what triggered my SM. This is awful. It was the death of my great grandmother.  I don't know her name but she went by little mama. My mother said that always called her big mama because she looked huge to a 3 year old. When I was 5 years old my great grandmother passed away. 

I am continuing this from this picture.  As I told myself that I have three things that I want.  I have to decided what is needed more.   1. A cruise 2. A new mattress 3. The need to overcome selective mutism and I need to do this for that little girl that was once 5 years old.  This is really difficult for me.  Why can't I have all three at the same time?  Please tell me again.     

  Okay the next two pictures are the ones I want to put on a t-shirt.  The one in blue is the back and the pink background is the front of the T-shirt. 

I have a question about this.  Every so often something or someone says something and it triggers me and I had to remember the accident. I remember the accident and all I remember is what either the cop or the paramedics said, "if I had been wearing a seat belt, I could have died."  Then the whole thing replays itself in my mind over and over and over again.  Is that called PTSD?  I can't get that guy who hit us out of my head no matter how many times I meditate or do breathing exercises.  My mom just says that I have to forget that butthole that hit us.  It just keeps replaying in my head.  That is probably why I am waking up screaming.  Let's see when was the last time I had woke myself screaming?  It was earlier this month.  The last time was when I was talking about Sophie in my sleep and telling her not to get that box because I didn't want her tearing it up.  Plus Jason made the mistake of talking about my accident back in 199...