My Blog

It's not a secret stash that I won back when I won that settlement back when I was in that stupid accident back in summer of 1992!  ugh!  But I think I know a way I can get back my SSI when I had it back in California. Go back to California or sign it over to someone else BUT it will still be mine and I can have it in smaller amounts.  I have a um... shall we say I have a problem with my spending too much money on stupid things.   (that word I can't think of)  What is the word I'm looking for.  help me, please.  I believe it sounds fine on paper or on screen in front of a computer, BUT  I think I will have to delete all this as someone will try to steal it away from me.  :'(  See this is my Selective Mutism (anxiety) kicking in.  

Yes, I think I do have PMDD.  I saw a few of the signs or symptoms but I'm not sure.   https://www.webmd.com/women/pms/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder Well, then who suggested that I take vitamin B6 and magnesium?  If that was Jason, no way in hell I'm taking that!!!!  I don't want to be killed by taking more medication than I need. That is just too much.  I am taking enough medication as it is.  Ugh!    But the only thing I'm not allowed to do is diagnose myself with something I do not have.  I can't even say my symptoms of it because I know that people don't want to believe me.  They don't even want to talk about mental health with me. People just do not want to take the time to get to know me other than AJ.  I still have that issue with people.    If I don't have PMDD, then what would explain the crying uncontrollably and about completely nothing?! I saw those symptoms on webmd.com.  Ugh!!!  Is that site ...

 Written on: September 2, 2021 re-dited on: September 18, 2021 Re-written and re-edited on: September 28, 2021 Written by: Pamela A. Wyatt “Jordan?”  I called out, “I need to talk to you. This is hard for me to tell you.” I cried as I walked to Jordan to sit down next to him on the sofa.  “I want to tell you something about my lover I met online”  I said as I cried as my head fell into my lap.  “Oh Dam Pam!  How could you” Jordan yelled.  (note: Jordan and Donnie is the only one I would let call me that)   “I thought that you loved me” Jordan said, “We have a history together.”   I began telling Jordan that I got to know someone else and… AJ walked up and asked me if I had told Jordan if I broke up with him.  I told him no, I didn’t get the chance.  Then Jordan went on and on about how me and him have a history together and how I moved here from California and we met on the plane.  “Oh come on,” Jordan begged, “please...

I still haven't overcome it but I'm on my way.  I still can't stand up for myself.  I still can't live on my own yet.  I may or may not ever, ever be able to!!! :'(   Just last month, Lisa was asking me who I wanted to live with when mom and dad pass. I downright said that I didn't want to live with either of them!!! They can help me with my money.  If I wanted anyone in the family to help me with my money, I would rather it be Gerard-- my brother-in-law. He's probably the best with money?  My sister and my aunt spend money like water. Matthew is good with money too.   I'll be damned if I'll be living with Karin or Lisa!!! I will not live with them!  I would much rather run away!!!  I would be alone and running away from home!!!   

First off I'd like to say welcome October.  Where am I going?  This will be like a fragmented blog!  I will say things all out of whack and not care how it sounds or where I am going with this.  I may not be able to speak but I'm a good listener.  What people say I certainly am processing what they say.  Some people get mad and even a little agitated at me.  I would like to live with someone who understands me and my anxiety attacks/panic attacks even if we might beat the crap out of each other.  I am considering living with Jason.  I would like to live with AJ but they would need to have a pretty open mind about that one.    But I think that people also think that (i forgot what I was going to say here) When I remember, I promise that I will write down here. but I won't go having a panic attack trying to remember it.  

I think I made him agitated.  Then again, I can't recognize people's feelings either at least that is what my mom told me.  I don't know if I can recognize people's feelings or not.  I am trying to be there for him but he's making this really hard.  This is why WAIT............  are the reasons why I can't recognize feelings is be-----shoot.   Is autism part of not recognizing feelings?   8:10pm  9-28-2021  -  I have...... about a million thoughts running around in my head and I don't know where to start to let them all out.  A couple of thoughts might be inappropriate to even tell up in here. Yes, I'm scared that quite a few of my thoughts might be inappropriate.  I don't know where I got that idea from.