My Blog

I don't know how to say this but I'll start with the anxiety and depression ratings.  The anxiety is through the roof and then like coming straight up out of the crown of my head.  The depression is not so bad. I would say depression is about an 8.   I will write more later when I think of how to say this.   He really is a nice guy.  :)  

  If I could write a note to my younger self---I would tell her that if she wants to overcome her Selective Mutism, go for it! Don't let your anxiety get in the way of getting what you want! Take risks.  

Well for starters I dreamed that I had my own apartment but it was just me there at first. At first, I wanted my own house. But after living in my parent's house, I'm not so sure anymore as it is worse than it was when we first moved in 1997.   It it it it's like an episode of hoarders!!!  He (see I cant say names because of selective mutism) sent me a video of a song that was so deep and felt something. Oh is it alright if I meet him?  See cant say names. But I know who I'm talking about? Does he?  Can someone help me work on this name thing? I would like to address this when getting someone's attention. Instead of just saying hey.  Oh this is really hard for me to say even behind a screen on a blog but he is definitely inspiring me to write more in my blog. (thank you 😇)  Yeah, I have a lot more questions but I am shaking as I write this. Great! It just left my head and my mind. Oh how convenient!?  :'(  I'll think of it later, I promise. ...

My thoughts are the problem.  The anxiety of speaking to someone is that my mind is telling me that someone will judge me. I guess that my mind takes over the anxiety and I can't breathe, my throat is sore.  I don't know how to say this but um.... I um...I don't know what it is but I have been talking to someone on uh.... Facebook but I met him on urm.........uh ehem fubar.com in 2011.  I um.. and um... I actually said that I always loved him.  I have always knew that I loved him. I have been talking to him a lot more.    OMG!  Did I say that?     

How does he really feel about me?  Does he really like me as a friend or is it more?  hummmm?  That I will probably never really know?  Honestly, when I started to talk to him on that site, I liked him a lot.  There was something about him that I loved.  I knew that he seemed nice.  He turned out to be really sweet, despite what Jason is trying to tell me.  Now did I mention any names?  No.  Does he know that I'm blogging about him?   Oh I remember.  It was in 2011 and just wanted someone to talk to.    Now it's his turn.  How did he feel about me whenever we were on that site in video chat?   Oh shit!  Did I say all that? 👀  OMG! Now I gotta hide before I um.... what's the word I'm looking for?  Shit! Well that's not the word.  Um.... help me out here....  Please?    awwww shit!  I gotta hide!  

I have a confession to make.  I know promised I would not tell anyone what he told me and I never judge anyone.  I just listen.  I knew this a long time since he and his room mate were talking about it.  He told his room mate from 2014 that he was transgender. Correct me if I'm wrong.  It's okay. I will not judge him.  Yeah, I still like him even after all he told me.  Then I looked on an ad and saw him and his then room mate again in a picture.  I'm sorry I saw what I saw.  I never told anyone about it.  I kept thinking, were they arrested once before?  Did they both get in trouble with the law?  I wondered about.  I forgot about that never mentioned it anyone even those two.  I did ask Melissa if she has a daughter with AJ but that's it.   Like I said I do not judge people.  I do sincerely hope they didn't or I didn't accidently see that on that site.   Someone told me that quote, "No one el...

I saw a side of him that he did not or was not ready for me to see. But I have a confession to make.  I still like him.  I will not tell anyone where or what site I met him off of no matter what people do to me. I will not speak.  :)  Even if I did tell you-- you would not believe me.  Okay. Fuber.com  is where we met.  They made big changes to that site and put rules on the site.   That site got boring after a while. And his name don't really want to say but he goes by two names.  Today at Lunch my aunt Lisa actually saw my mouth open so wide as I was opening a bottle of water for my mom.  But my mouth came wide open and there was food in my mouth. Oh gross!  omg!  I was embarrassed as heck!  My aunt Lisa said "Really Pamela!"  Since I couldn't speak and my throat was like sealed up and I couldn't breathe.  I looked at my aunt Lisa like "Really Lisa!?  Ya think so! That is why we are here at Baylor col...