My Blog

I believe that I'm getting better with speaking to people.  There is these challenges that this lady who wrote this book, (i forgot the name of it)  I put it up because I didn't want Sophie getting into it and tearing it up.  It is in my nightstand.   This is me dealing with Selective Mutism myself and I want to get a Selective Mutism specialist to help me overcome Selective Mutism better.  How do I do that?  

I have never been able to express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  My mother may know some of the ways I never expressed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions from age 5 and below that age.  I know I paid attention from when I was 5 and or older.   And I read on an Autism site that the symptoms of autism are the inability to express thoughts, feeling,s and emotions.  But one's thoughts are supposed to be private huh?  No one is supposed to tell anyone their own thoughts huh?  Sh*t! Where did I hear that?  ugh!!!!  So one of the symptoms of autism is the inability to express thoughts, feelings, and emotions?  Correct?  Why am I talking about age 5 and below that age?  The past is the past.  but I was paying attention, sometimes autism in children can be missed and show up later in life as an adult?  I don't know.  😖😖😖   Everyone doesn't remember the time when they were 5 and below that age as the m...

I feel that I'm struggling with Selective Mutism. I know what I want to say but I can't make the words come out not even on paper or on a computer screen. Not funny.  :'(  I can't even speak to those who I can speak to like the trusted person.  I guess I meant that I can't express my feelings to someone or even someone that I can speak to. 

Why can't I push myself to do anything? Once I get started I do fine.  I want to do something.  It is just getting started is the problem.  :'(   I was wondering this the whole day is why can't I move anywhere else?  Here is what I came up with and I'm wondering this myself without blaming everyone else around me. I haven't come up with anything yet.  That is because I don't have anything positive to say about that. 😢😢😢   

Last night there was (well I think there was a gunshot firing last night, Wednesday night)  and I think I was the cause of it. Well they decided to come back at night and shoot off some guns at my house. :'(   I had my windows open one day and I think, that they were thinking that if they couldn't have me no one can so they were going to shoot me dead!    Is this anxiety thinking?  I think they saw me naked or something.  I'm keeping the curtains from now on all the time and keeping my ass safe!!!   God! I have a tendency to cause trouble with some men and even African American men!  :'(  I do like everyone but only as a friend.  I don't care what their background is or their color. They could be black, white, red, green chinese, portuguese. I don't care as long they are nice!!!  :)   I really do put myself up to all this anxiety and if I do get shot, then I really deserve it!!!!!! :'(   Okay, I'm not r...

When I went for a haircut i asked what a undercut is showed the picture. No it's not she said.  What I do know is that I have found that undercut is so much easier to style.  I really should not have rewarded myself with food. 

I had dreamed last night that I was being chased by an unidentified person.  I was actually afraid to get up and go pee at 12 midnight because it was dark.  Well I do have every night light on in every corner of the room plus the computer moniter and T V (my tv is also a computer monitor).     I am not afraid of the dark; I am just afraid of what is in the dark.  👀