My Blog

Got the oxcarbazepine after the first winter storm. There is another round of this shit tonight on Thursday. Ugh! 

Sophie (Majesty) wants to play with Jordan but Jordan keeps growling.  I tell her no, no growl and tell her to be nice. lol!  Maybe Jordan will play with Sophie when it gets warmer into the spring.  I will take a picture of it when they do play together.  I still have that problem. I ran out of oxcarbazepine right on monday before it snowed on monday. 

I am having an anxiety attack and I ran out of oxcarbazepine and we are snowed in today. I dont know but I'm starting to feel really sick. 😢 I had a really interesting experience. I heard thunder snow and then saw the lightening in the snow storm. I asked google what is thunder snow and it told me it is during a snow storm I forget what google said as I have a dead brain. Hence, auditory processing disorder. 

I am wondering if my Selective Mutism was triggered by something?  I am also wondering if I had separation anxiety?   No cure for Selective Mutism?  I need to mature and gain control over my anxieties to feel comfortable enough to speak in front of others?  You think it could be a divorce?  My parents did get divorced in the early 1980's.    

I was not feeling well all this week. I'm on my monthly and it is really heavy. Tuesday I dropped blood all on the carpet. Oh it was awful. I felt like I was shot. I felt like someone shot me through the window. I felt like blah the next two days. Today on Thursday I'm feeling better. But still could be better. 

Is it bad to be afraid of going for a run or a walk outdoors?  I am afraid to go for a run or walk outdoors. I am just afraid that something like what will happen that happened back in 2013 to happen again.  What happened was this elderly lady thought that I was taking pictures of her and other people's houses.  No I wasn't.  I was actually taking pictures of the clouds.  I could not say that at the time.  Also I am afraid that I will get snagged and taken in the woods in front of my house and raped and then murdered. That is my worst fear of that happening if I go for a run outdoors early in the morning.  :'(    This must mean that I sound crazy but that is only because Jason keeps telling me this.  :'(   It's sad because it could happen.  I have seen stories online and in the news of people getting raped and murdered and that is my worst fear.  I mean I have to turn it off or turn away from the screen to get away fr...

I have been terrified of dying since I was about three years old and that was about in 1978. What did that mean? I am 47 and still afraid. What does that mean?  I remember when I was three and I was spending the night with my grandmother.  I believe it was a panic attack about death and dying. I don't know where I learned about death and dying when I was three. My little three-year-old heart was going 90 miles an hour. :'(  I was scared I did not know what to do and I could not speak to tell someone.  :'(  I wanted to tell someone but I literally could not.  I am getting scared all over again.  :'(   That's it! I believe that is what triggered my Selective Mutism!  I swear to god!  I don't know what else would trigger it but death and dying.  Who would even talk about death and dying in front of me?  I think it was my dad's dad that died when I was about three, or some kid talked about it when I was in preschool and I...