My Blog

It's about that lady time.  I had cramps this afternoon. I thought I would just lie down and meditate for a meditation for big belly syndrome.  Or in which case, I found out that I was my time of month again.  I laid down rubbed my cramps for a little bit.  I was feeling really down. :'(  So I listened to mindfulness meditation for a while and then got up.  I still didn't feel all that great.  I still had a big belly.  When it's women time of month some gain a little bit of water weight before a woman's period.  Sorry, but if you don't want to read this, click out of this.  Just about periods. It's a natural part of a woman's life.  On a scale from one to ten, ten being the absolute worst and one being not at all.  Depression:  10 Anxiety: 10 

Today is the day that I got out of the hospital in Houston.  Now this week will come around when the 5th is on a Tuesday and I got admitted into the hospital on August 7th.  I was really struggling on August 5th.  I washed clothes once during that week when I was in the hospital.  On Friday August 15, I was going to take a real bath, with warm water not a cold shower.  The water was cold in the hospital and I couldn't figure out how to make it warm.  Why didn't I ask someone?  I was embarrassed.    On the 5th of August 2014,  I nearly shut the window on my little finger.  :'(   I was feeling depressed. let's see. I did not want to move back that pissed me off.  I wanted to try again and my mom would not let me try again. I would like to try supported living and see how that would do.  I have learned alot of things that I did not know years back but because no one understands Selective Mutism, I have to stay in th...

This little voice inside me from Selective Mutism is starting to sound like other people. The little voice is telling me not to do something because it costs money and that people will take advantage of me and take my money and run. Just like when I have an idea of wanting to get a Selective Mutism Supported living Group. For people with Selective Mutism and independent living. Just because people doesn't like the idea, I have to drop it! 😭 I have this anxiety in me that it just won't work out because of that stupid place Seville apartments. Just because someone tried force Sex on me over there, I had to move! He was over the age of 60 or 80. ewww gross. I could not scream or do anything at the time. I was frozen in that moment but whatever. 😭 Actually, Jason did spend the night with me not once but twice! And we um.... yeah. And yeah, I liked it! I just wonder if a supported living group is right for me now in this moment? I will be out of the loop of the informa...

Does anyone else feel like crying?  I worry about where I will be in 10 years. That quote does not work.  I still worry.  I keep reading it though.  Don't worry today about tomorrow.   I just feel like I'm going to cry all the time. 😥  I don't know. 😭       

Hey, when I was running this morning, I kept getting agitated that I felt fat.  :'(  I don't know why I felt that.  I don't know... I guess I'm feeling better now. meditation did not help. Well I guess it helped a little bit. :-/  

Why do I have the feeling that I can not do anything that other SM individuals are doing?  They get to drive a car.  I know a few people with Selective Mutism have got married.  Do not make any jokes either.  It is certain situations and certain people that we can talk to.  I don't know why we can speak in certain situations and at other times we can't.  Why I can speak to some people and other people I can't speak to.  I guess that the people I can't speak to is when they don't know about the Selective Mutism and that it is Anxiety that is keeping me from speaking.  I could not speak to the manager over there at Seville Apts.  Well, I could have written her a note to tell her that my grandmother was dying and I was having an anxiety attack. (i did not know that at the time.)  But was scared to give the note to her, or shove it under the door anyway.   Like when I first met Jason, I could not speak to him either. I was like fro...

On my birthday yesterday, I for the most part had an okay day.  But Jason, I don't know he was making me feel anxious.  Plus, I could not run or do anything.  A little bit later in the evening before I went downstairs to open my present, Yeah my friend came to visit me.  She makes me eat chocolate. (shut up, Jason)   She stresses me out and she makes me think all sorts of intrusive thoughts! :'(   The intrusive thoughts could be that I'm not good enough.