My Blog

This little voice inside me from Selective Mutism is starting to sound like other people. The little voice is telling me not to do something because it costs money and that people will take advantage of me and take my money and run. Just like when I have an idea of wanting to get a Selective Mutism Supported living Group. For people with Selective Mutism and independent living. Just because people doesn't like the idea, I have to drop it! 😭 I have this anxiety in me that it just won't work out because of that stupid place Seville apartments. Just because someone tried force Sex on me over there, I had to move! He was over the age of 60 or 80. ewww gross. I could not scream or do anything at the time. I was frozen in that moment but whatever. 😭 Actually, Jason did spend the night with me not once but twice! And we um.... yeah. And yeah, I liked it! I just wonder if a supported living group is right for me now in this moment? I will be out of the loop of the informa...

Does anyone else feel like crying?  I worry about where I will be in 10 years. That quote does not work.  I still worry.  I keep reading it though.  Don't worry today about tomorrow.   I just feel like I'm going to cry all the time. 😥  I don't know. 😭       

Hey, when I was running this morning, I kept getting agitated that I felt fat.  :'(  I don't know why I felt that.  I don't know... I guess I'm feeling better now. meditation did not help. Well I guess it helped a little bit. :-/  

Why do I have the feeling that I can not do anything that other SM individuals are doing?  They get to drive a car.  I know a few people with Selective Mutism have got married.  Do not make any jokes either.  It is certain situations and certain people that we can talk to.  I don't know why we can speak in certain situations and at other times we can't.  Why I can speak to some people and other people I can't speak to.  I guess that the people I can't speak to is when they don't know about the Selective Mutism and that it is Anxiety that is keeping me from speaking.  I could not speak to the manager over there at Seville Apts.  Well, I could have written her a note to tell her that my grandmother was dying and I was having an anxiety attack. (i did not know that at the time.)  But was scared to give the note to her, or shove it under the door anyway.   Like when I first met Jason, I could not speak to him either. I was like fro...

On my birthday yesterday, I for the most part had an okay day.  But Jason, I don't know he was making me feel anxious.  Plus, I could not run or do anything.  A little bit later in the evening before I went downstairs to open my present, Yeah my friend came to visit me.  She makes me eat chocolate. (shut up, Jason)   She stresses me out and she makes me think all sorts of intrusive thoughts! :'(   The intrusive thoughts could be that I'm not good enough. 

Today is my birthday and my monthly friend came to visit me.  She makes me eat chocolate and everything else.  She makes me drink these dr peppers and every now then a coke.  She totally stresses me out.  And then horrendous thoughts that I think.  Let's see the latest one is this:  I will ask this:  Am I always rude and mean to other people?   On a scale from one to ten I would say that anxiety is at a 10 and depression is a 10.  Now that my friend came to visit me on my birthday. ugh!!! The depression went back down to an 8.   The anxiety went back down to a 5.  But the anxiety went back up to an 8 when Jason called on Skype.     

I had my first 2021 nightmare and it was about my niece.  Well, There is a tree my back yard and it was rocking back and forth and bleeding from the trunk of the tree.  Well, It finally fell over in my dream.  It missed me and Karin, but it fell over on my niece Rebecca.     About the tree bleeding from the trunk. Maybe that was a sign I'm about to start my monthly.  I dont know what the part of my dream means.