My Blog

Okay.  I dreamed that I was buried alive and about 6 feet under and going further into the ground. But I was not in a coffin.  Here is the weird part, I was in the dirt and trapped in it.   Then I dreamed about my granmaw. (a vistor in my dream)  I kept waking myself up screaming.  Does this sound like an anxiety dream? When I think about that dream I start screaming.  Is that also called Intrusive thoughts?  I meant when is it Intrusive thoughts? I am scared to go to bed.

I meditated on Insight Timer.  Well I go back and forth between the two meditations "Mindfulness for Releasing Anxiety" and Tonglen Practice for Coronavirus/COVID-19 Anxiety".  Those two meditations seem to be helping me at the moment.  Today is my dad's birthday and It must suck to have a birthday during the coronavirus outbreak.  April 24 is New Kids On The Block day.  NKOTB is going live every week on Tuesday on YouTube during the Coronavirus and this past Tuesday April 7 2020 I was actually too afraid to say/type anything as my SM was showing up and I could not speak.  I mean I literally could not speak/type anything.  I wanted to though.  I just could not. :'( 

Well, I have taken most of my flowers outside.  All I have now inside that planted inside is the peppermint.  I will go outside and check on my flowers. Let's see I planted sunflowers, daisies and Lavender.  I took them outside to see if they perk up out there.  lol!  Should make the bees happy when they start to pollenate them. ha! LMAO!  I love flowers. As soon as this social distancing is over and the coronavirus is gone, I will some yellow, green and orange beads and make more dragonfly earrings.  Then I will buy a zen garden that I was supposed to buy myself in March before all this coronavirus stuff exploded.

I think Jason understands now why I went stir crazy and was depressed all the time.  He thinks it was because I can't do anything. But really also because of my SM of not being able to speak as also I think my parents will get mad at what I will say I want to do, volunteer at BCP AND maybe get into psychology to learn more about Selective Mutism and Autism. And maybe take a singing class too. :) 12:38 PM- omg! That is what I said at 5am this morning and then fell asleep until 8:30am. 4:12PM- My arms and my upper back hurts and I finally figured out why. I was doing something on the WII U and was doing some exercises that was kickboxing.Oh man, I was really going at it full force!  Amazing!  

Selective Mutism makes me feel TRAPPED.  With my hometown being on lockdown.... Jason knows how I feel.  :'(  I feel trapped with SM and I feel more trapped with this coronavirus going around.  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh  I felt trapped all my life.  I think that Jason feels trapped with this coronavirus going around.... I don't know--who cares what Jason feels like!  But all I know is that Selective Mutism makes me feel trapped! 

Before all this coronavirus crap, I was always clean.  I always washed my hands after I used the bathroom and before?  Is that a bad thing?  Or am I OCD? I don't think that is bad at all. 

Well me and Jordan was going to walk out to the mailbox and walk down the street and around the corner and up the driveway as a starting point but I think the whole city is on lockdown. But can't walk out there because there is a lock on the screen door and the garage door is probably locked also.