My Blog

I think with a cat like Happy.  She gives me more attitude than anything but there are these times when she wants attention and to be cuddled.  After that I give her a cat treat and few more cuddles and pets.  After that she is okay for a few days.  Now Nicki Rose my dog I have to grab her up on stormy days and rock her because she is shaking like a leaf.  Nicki is just terrified of storms.  It was probably being tied to that park bench in south park with two other dogs.  Here is the thing.  On stormy rainy days Nicki Rose pees on my mom and dad's bed.  Nicki doesn't pee on my bed as my bed is too high for her to jump up on.  

Since I am unable to have any success, I thought maybe I just need happiness.  But what is happiness without having to spend money?  Look around the house to see if I can think of anything.  I think saying things like "I am unable" really is an unhelpful thought.  

Wouldn't being in a psychiatric hospital in Galveston Texas be like when I was involved in a school play.  I believe so because they made every kid in the hospital unit go to classes.  Anyway, I loved being in that play.  Didn't my parents and doctor in the hospital in Galveston know that plays interested me?  I was in the 4th or 5th grade.  My only regret is that I should have spoken up about acting.  Are you kidding me?  Selective mutism is a severe anxiety disorder.  Back then I didn't even know what selective mutism was until back in 2011 I got on google and went to Wikipedia and typed in the words "selective mutism".   It wasn't until 2013 that I figured out that I speak in specific situations and to specific people.  So I guess that is (selective).  Selective about who I talk to and who the safe people are.  Just so you know, no one told me this. It is all through my own experiences.  I can think of the words bu...

I would have liked to extracurricular activities, but my mom told me that I needed to be able to talk to do that.    

It was about the time that my grandmother passed away in December of 2012.  I thought that everyone was against me.  I knew it wasn't always about me. My medication was jacked up.  I kept wanting to tell mom that my medication wasn't working the way it should but no time was the right time.  Everyone was always talking so I had to wait.  My mom kept telling me that I wanted to get off my medication.  Oh no. I never want to get off my medication.  I saw what it did back in 1992--the year of the accident.  Triggers me to this day.  And that is a whole other story.   But then in 2014, they finally listened when I wrote a poem.  No one wanted to listen because they were used to the medications that I was on and they never did want a change.  In life, when something needs to change---my medications or my nervous system will tell me.   Other people can listen to their nervous system if they want to but I'm not going to...

I have muscle pain in my head, neck, shoulders, upper back, lower back, butt, hips, legs, and yes even the bottoms of my feet to my toes.  Can muscle pain be from severe anxiety?   I think it is from thinking from thinking things that I shouldn't be.  For example: when we move someone's going to abandon me up here doing things by myself.  It would go faster if a couple of people were up here.  I know what I want to keep and just throw away or Goodwill it.  

What does it mean when someone's heart rate is 101?  Well I looked down at my smart watch and it said 101.  But I wouldn't trust what anything else what doctor does a heart rate test on me.  I wouldn't even trust a smart watch that checks anyone's blood sugar on it as those things are not accurate.  The best way that I heard how to check blood sugar is through a CGM or pricking one's finger.  Oh pricking one's finger sounds painful.   Back to my heart rate. I glanced down at my smart watch and it said it was 101.  Well I tried anything I could to slow my breathing down and heart rate.  I know a high heart rate can't be good is it?  yes, I tried everything I knew how to calm that anxiety attack down.   Question:  Is a freeze response when your heart rate goes up high?  Can stress be a part of an anxiety attack or freeze response?