My Blog

First off, do I have fear?  I am thinking that I do have fears but I could be wrong though.  Is being afraid of getting in trouble with mom and dad the same thing as having a fear?  I just think that is a stupid little girl fear.  Something that I thought of years ago and something that I just can't let go of.  Or..... if I say something and my mom or a friend of mine says that was inappropriate thing to say or you are too old.  Is that a fear also?  Everything that I learned not to do, I learned from what my sister has done.  Did I say that right?  

I just ran out of time to do things with my life.  What does it mean when I am afraid to do something because I am afraid that I am going to get in trouble with my parents ?  When I say do something.  I mean be a youtuber or do acting .  But that is all over now.  It is too late for that.  I guess when I was 12 or 13 I was wanted to going into acting.  My mom told me "you gotta be able talk to do that".  Not always.  You can do acting with not talking at all until they become comfortable that they can speak in front of people.  But I guess they had no faith in me.  :'(  I guess none of my family has ever had any faith in me ever speaking again.   See? I don't want to work in a physical store .  That doesn't interest me one bit.  People has already told me that selling jewelry that I make is out of the question because it is too much of a hassel.  People are just telling me to give it away as Christmas...

Journal prompt:  What emotions did you feel today, and where in your body did you feel them? Yeah, my hip hurts but it doesn't hurt that much.  Does anxiety lie in hip region?  

Anyone ever smiled at their cat or dog just because?  Yes, I have definitely smiled at my dog Nicki Rose, and I smiled at my cat Happy.  I smile because they make me calm and happy.  

Do you all remember this tv show called Growing Pains back in the 80's?  Well there was this character Mike Seaver played by Kirk Cameron and Carol Seaver played by Tracey Gold.  Mike was saying fat jokes about Carol on the show.  I remember Tracey Gold being on the cover of seventeen magazine or YM magazine .  I think that was the shortened version of the magazine.  Anyway, it showed her being on the cover of YM magazine and Tracey Gold had anorexia.  I remember reading the article but I don't remember it.  It's been a long time ago.  I don't believe that anyone who was completely ridiculed just because they are a few pounds overweight but she was not overweight.   It is kinda what Jason did.  I am completely ridiculed just because I am obese.  Jason tells me that I am doing nothing about it and that he will continue the fat jokes until I do something about it.  Let's see?  I am exercising and lifting weights, 3 p...

I avoid anger the most.  I hold in anger the most although it doesn't always happen that way.  People say that I look and act angry.  Does anxiety look like anger?  They are both emotions .  It's probably why they look so much alike.  I try not show any anger at all.  It doesn't always happen though.  I try not to get angry when something happens like something falls on the floor like in the past.  Like when I accidently dropped something on the floor and my dad got angry at me for doing that.  I wonder if that would teach a kid of 11 or 12 to get angry?  I don't think that mom and dad did show anger around me and my sister,  Karin when we were kids did they?  I think mom and dad did show anger around me and Karin. Well how come Karin doesn't have anger and I do?   I don't mean to blame anyone but I am just wondering where us kids learn to get angry from?  I remember the story of my older sister Karin and ...

Feelings and emotions are a no go because I just don't understand it.  How do I express them so I don't get anxious or bored or even angry ?