My Blog

I just had a terrifying nightmare but I know it is a part of life.  Death of a loved one.  It made me wake up and scream out loud.  I remember because I opened my eyes for a brief moment looked at Nicki Rose  and sniffled and cried.  I had a nightmare someone lit a match and it exploded.  I had pulled mom away from it. Well considering it really didn't hurt me because have a lot of muscle tone in my nightmare,  (I believe that muscle tone is a lot of cushioning under my fat?)   but her head popped off and doctors surgeons was working on sewing her head back on.  That nightmare was so scary that I woke myself up screaming bloody murder!!!   This is why it is very important for me to learn to live on my own in an apartment even if I am alone for the rest of my life. Again, I realize that death is part of life and it is hard losing a pet and really hard losing a loved one.  I love my parents very much.  I just don't show...

I know I have forgiveness.  I think I am a forgiving person.  Am I?  I don't think I have empathy.  No, I don't have integrity.  Well I do tell the truth to doctors, dentists and therapists.  What else is there?   I will have to ask someone what my core values are.   does anyone have every right to hit me if I am being a bad person? (i don't know what the word is i am trying to say)  I know they hit me with a newspaper and their hand but that is about it. I deserved it anyway because I wouldn't do what they asked me to do.  Well I was 40 years old then and I wouldn't do what I was told to do.  That is why they hit me.  Nothing I can do about it now. What is done is done.  That is the past and I am trying to forget the past and not look back.  Not after that time, they have not done that again.   Use your rights. Know that other people must not abuse you. This means that other people are not allowed...

This is makes me more able to articulate.  I feel like I am more able to be myself with Jason but lately Jason has been telling me that I am rude and doing all these things that are considered " rude noises ".  You know the tics I do?  The one that sounds like me sucking snot, or the one that sounds like a fart and something else that I can't describe or put into words but it bugs the shit out of Jason.  I honestly can't help it.  The two people that I can be myself is AJ and Melissa . But I saw something about AJ and Melissa a few years ago. I can't remember the whole article but I remember pieces of it.  It was something about their daughter was locked in a closet while AJ was watching her.  I never told anyone else until I blogged about it today.  I swear.  

I have a triple whammy. I have selective mutism , muscle pain and in perimenopause .  I think I know how I got selective mutism. My sister Karin and my aunt Lisa said when I was two or 3 that if I say this I will get it for you. You are never supposed to do that to anyone. Plus at 4 or 5 the dog TJ- my sister's friend Donna's dog knocked me down and bit me on the nose.  I still have the scar on my nose from the dog bite .  Then at 5 I got my tonsils taken out . So from the "point to this and we'll get it for you" that my sister Karin and Aunt Lisa did and the dog bite and the accident in summer of 1992 could have added to that anxiety.  No wonder I remember everything when I was like 2 and 3 years old.  I remember the good stuff too.  It was mostly about my granmaw .  I think my granmaw understood me more than anyone.  There was one time my granmaw told me about when I was three.  I ran out to her car and said, "I'll drive granmaw!"  T...

Can anxiety cause muscle pain ?  I believe that my muscle pain is from anxiety as well as obesity .   There has to be two things to share that with for it to be so intense that it interferes with my daily activities.  That I have to stop everything and lay down on my heating pad which I don't do much anyways.   I have like a stupid question.  If I kept ignoring anxiety does it show up as muscle pain or tension?  

I need someone to settle an argument, or kinda an argument.  I say my muscle pain is due to anxiety and my exercises .  Do I need to rest my muscles or work them out ?   My mom and my doctor say it is due to my weight, and that to lose weight and the muscle pain will go away.   Who is right?   I guess I will try to lose the weight to make my mom happy.  So my muscle tension is all because of my weight?  This just doesn't make any sense to me at all whatsoever!   So I am listening to one person (my doctor, the real doctor) who says it is my weight.  But then I listen to another person who says it is anxiety.  I was taught to ignore things that are anxiety related!  Maybe I should just try to lose the weight and see what happens.  So I guess I will just listen to the people that claim to know me really well and know how I am.  I will just listen to my real doctor the one that I actually pay for an ap...