My Blog

Yes, I absolutely struggle with standing up for myself.  I guess that is the thing that just happens.  People tell me that I can't do something and they just tell me well I'm just going to do it for you to prevent all of this.  I don't want to argue with people and that is considered fighting with people. I guess I was taught not to fight with people. Just walk away if they want to start an argument.  So no, I have never learned or even taught myself how to stand up for myself.  I don't know how to teach myself to stand up for myself.  

I was really struggling today. My sister was giving me a hard time about me speaking to google and not talking to other people.  This is what triggered the memories I had of when I was 3 below this line.  That is probably why I stopped talking to begin with when I was 3. Becky Young, (her last was young) picked me up at preschool and Amy I think was in the car.  I remember me sitting in the backseat of my mom's red thunderbird and Becky(young). I was so quiet and so shy I had noticed.  Not quite sure what was said but I was really anxious.  Dam, little pieces of memories are coming out of me.  No, I mean I am remembering more stuff when I was 3. Well Karin triggered the last one. I couldn't tell her that because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But she did trigger something.  I need a picture of when I was 3 to put in this blog entry or to put in another blog entry. I think there is one in the storage building but not sure. People may think that i w...

I am usually ruminating on negative thoughts that people might say.  I go over and over in my head until I scream out loud at the top of my lungs. It just makes me upset that I overthink that.    An example would be a negative thought I thought years ago when I first met Jason that when I get older and he sees someone doing something that I thought that I wanted to do.  My negative thought would be that I think he would say,  "Gee, Pamela, that is what you wanted to do".   Guess what you're not doing.  Do you know what that was?  It was singing and acting.    I even picture myself acting in a play or something and I am playing an individual living with selective mutism every time I am watching a youtube movie or tv show or even something on cable tv.    

I know I am unmasking something but I have a pretty good idea what it is. You would need to have an open mind about this one.  It is pretty obvious that I could have ADHD. But is also hard to tell that I have its masking.   You don't have to talk a lot to have ADHD.   ADHD is a lot more than just talking a lot.   I believe that there is a comorbidity between selective mutism and ADHD.   I believe that there is a link between selective mutism and autism and I am on the spectrum.  nih.gov or selectivemutism.org sites.   That would explain why I was always struggling.  I know it's maybe confusing to see that selective mutism and ADHD have comorbidity between them since it sounds like they are the total opposite of one another.      I know it says could.   But I meant to say COULD NOT tell or ask anything.   I always felt like I COULD NOT tell or ask anything because I felt like I always had ...

I would like to go back to 2012 because I would like to reverse back to where I was and try that again to see if I can go another way at it and try something else to make people understand that I have selective mutism and that there no way that people can change that. I can't change people's minds but I can change my mind. But how?   I would like to change the way I reacted that day of December 20th 2012. I guess I can prove to them that I can react in a different way in different situations. I couldn't change her mind no matter what if I did say anything at all. So I just kept quiet.  Why if something happens I get removed from the situation. So did my sister get herself in that situation? No she didn't. Because she knew how to handle herself. Then again my sister wasn't naive like I am.  Mom was in a situation where granmaw was dying in the hospital and me my medication was all crazy and stopped working. I had to sit there say yes the medication was working when i...

Jason said that I was running down the hall screaming in the apartment complex over there and that is why Marcy wanted me out of there.  Jason also said that I was running down the hall without a shirt on.  I don't remember doing that.  But if Jason said that I did then I did. :'(  Jason also wants to twist everything around and make it sound stupid to what people were really saying about me.  I would never walk outside without a shirt on!  

If I could start an online jewelry business, I would have to learn to make a really great rosary but who will want to buy the rosary anyway.  Who would feel sorry for me and buy my creations?  No one would want to buy anything from me since I am almost 50.  It would be fine if I was like 5 or so and I had autism or ADHD.   I am almost 50.  I might have either since people can have selective mutism and ADHD.  Or selective mutism and autism.  But has anyone had selective mutism, ADHD, and autism all at the same time?  Maybe they overcame selective mutism and all they have was autism and ADHD?   No I don't think that I can start an online business because if some unexplained money comes rolling in, I will have some explaining to do to mom because she does my checkbook things. She would not know where the money was coming from.  Where is the money coming from?  She will ask me over and over again. Then she will ask me to delet...