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Five things that I love about myself are my boobs, the girls, chachies, chakas. I also love my butt and my hair.  I love the way I exercise and I love the way I march to the beat of my own drum. Oh what the heck does that mean anyway?  I heard my grandmother say it and then I heard my mom say it too.  I just want to do things my way without anyone telling me how to do it but I don't mind a little guidance or what is the word I'm looking for?  

I am feeling emotionally, physically and spiritually anxious in this moment because I am going on a cruise to Panama Canal in 9 1/2 months. I guess that is how you say it.  Well the cruise is in January.  Somewhere around January 13th.  I just hope that I'm not on my period around that time.  That would totally suck BIG TIME!  I want to check with a doctor to see if it is normal for a woman's periods to be heavy right before they go through or 12 months before she gets to menopause one last time?  Did I ask that right?   I read somewhere that (i think) Julie's story (story about someone's periods) that women who have anxiety. No wait...... it was on anxietycentre.com that women who have anxiety disorders such as selective mutism are ten times more likely to have it worse during menopause.  

Have you found your gift if so how do you plan on giving it away to the world? I have a question to ask myself. Can I speak to people to be able to talk on stage? I don't know, it depends. I just have to try it and see. But people don't believe that I can do it. Have you found your gift? What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Get ready... because it's about to get TMI and about to get gruesome.  I'm sure now you want to read this. I'm about to talk periods.  Do you want to read it now?  I didn't think so.  Well this morning I was drinking my coffee and reading a magazine and about to read something to get my passport for the cruise.  I had a freak accident and blood started shooting out of that middle hole.  I screamed and rushing to clean it up but every time I cleaned one spot another would drip down my leg. So I finally had to take a warm shower to clean it up and then to shower to clear my pathways to my nose to clear up and my throat to clear.  (Yes, hot stream does help a cold in the shower)   Bottom line is my period is monster this month.  lol!  Well this might be good thing is that I will maybe lose the 1 1/2 half pounds of it this Saturday that I that I had gained before I got sick with a cold/upper respiratory infection.  Ugh! haven't I b...

Name one or two anxious thoughts you've had over the past few days. I had one anxious thought about the cruise ship and one about turning 50.  First about the ship.  Whoa! that's a long way down the gulf of Mexico.  *whistles*  Like what if something happens.  No, I just have to trust in the process of life that everything will be fine.  Everyone will be safe on the cruise ship. Now the BIG 5 - 0!  I want a big party but not sure everyone would go for that. But a big party to them might be close family and not Jason invited and it would be on a Saturday evening.  Still want boiled shrimp. By then, there would be "Pamela overcomes selective mutism party.   I already know that I will be alone for my 50th birthday and all the rest of my life because I am flying solo for the rest of my life.  :'(  I will be alone the rest of my life because someone ditched me--but that's okay. I am used to the pain.  I will be okay hopefully....

Last night I had a panic attack about a third cruise I am going on. I kept tossing and turning. I got up to pee and laid back down and listened to a meditation for calming the mind by mindful movement on youtube. Yes, I pay for youtube. It's hard to meditate when you have to click ad and then go back meditating. It messes you up during meditation---and I'm being serious.   Being in an interior cabin on a ship, you don't know what is happening.  The boat rocks and it is kind of rough.  I guess anxiety attack is like being on a cruise ship for two weeks.  I have never been on a cruise for two weeks.  This cruise will be my first time.  *whistles* all the way down there to Panama.  Man, that's a long way.  But damn that will be fun once I get the anxiety over with.  Okay, I will have the SM card around my neck and one anxiety ring on my finger.  Yeah, just one piece of jewelry and a couple of earrings.  What I need to find on the ...