My Blog

I have been sleeping really good since Jason has been gone to his mother's house.  He is going on a Cruise the week of August 29th.  Of course I did dream about Emanuel again, the ex-boyfriend-the high school sweetheart. I really loved him so much but I was hurt when he cheated on me with another girl and even got her pregnant. I did not ever want to be hurt like that ever again.   I will write more later as I think of something else, please just give me time.  Please be patient.      To be honest I love AJ to de...dea....  I really don't like to say that word as it scared the sh*t out of me.  So I'll just say I love him to pieces!  I want to see AJ just try to take me away from Jason.  I want him to.   Here is a song I feel at the moment and will try to do.   https://youtu.be/dyAfjUHlFSM I'm about to tell I how I'm feeling......  but I can only describe how I feel through a song.  Here is how I fe...

Today's the day that the Silicone Baby is arriving here.  I am going into  Silicone Reborn baby Labor today between 11am and 4pm.  

I don't know how to say this but I'll start with the anxiety and depression ratings.  The anxiety is through the roof and then like coming straight up out of the crown of my head.  The depression is not so bad. I would say depression is about an 8.   I will write more later when I think of how to say this.   He really is a nice guy.  :)  

  If I could write a note to my younger self---I would tell her that if she wants to overcome her Selective Mutism, go for it! Don't let your anxiety get in the way of getting what you want! Take risks.  

Well for starters I dreamed that I had my own apartment but it was just me there at first. At first, I wanted my own house. But after living in my parent's house, I'm not so sure anymore as it is worse than it was when we first moved in 1997.   It it it it's like an episode of hoarders!!!  He (see I cant say names because of selective mutism) sent me a video of a song that was so deep and felt something. Oh is it alright if I meet him?  See cant say names. But I know who I'm talking about? Does he?  Can someone help me work on this name thing? I would like to address this when getting someone's attention. Instead of just saying hey.  Oh this is really hard for me to say even behind a screen on a blog but he is definitely inspiring me to write more in my blog. (thank you 😇)  Yeah, I have a lot more questions but I am shaking as I write this. Great! It just left my head and my mind. Oh how convenient!?  :'(  I'll think of it later, I promise. ...

My thoughts are the problem.  The anxiety of speaking to someone is that my mind is telling me that someone will judge me. I guess that my mind takes over the anxiety and I can't breathe, my throat is sore.  I don't know how to say this but um.... I um...I don't know what it is but I have been talking to someone on uh.... Facebook but I met him on urm.........uh ehem fubar.com in 2011.  I um.. and um... I actually said that I always loved him.  I have always knew that I loved him. I have been talking to him a lot more.    OMG!  Did I say that?     

How does he really feel about me?  Does he really like me as a friend or is it more?  hummmm?  That I will probably never really know?  Honestly, when I started to talk to him on that site, I liked him a lot.  There was something about him that I loved.  I knew that he seemed nice.  He turned out to be really sweet, despite what Jason is trying to tell me.  Now did I mention any names?  No.  Does he know that I'm blogging about him?   Oh I remember.  It was in 2011 and just wanted someone to talk to.    Now it's his turn.  How did he feel about me whenever we were on that site in video chat?   Oh shit!  Did I say all that? 👀  OMG! Now I gotta hide before I um.... what's the word I'm looking for?  Shit! Well that's not the word.  Um.... help me out here....  Please?    awwww shit!  I gotta hide!