My Blog

I don't feel right.  I feel I should be in the hospital.  I am sad all the time.  I feel I want to hurt myself because I deserve it.  I really don't know why.  I just don't feel right. 

I wasted so much time from having selective mutism all these years.  I am way far behind. 😢 I don't know what to do!   The rating for anxiety is about in the middle a 7.  The rating for depression is about a 10! 😢  Not sure what to do now. This is hopeless!!!!  I don't think I will ever succeed in living in an apartment!  Why does depression come and go come again? 😢😢😢😢 

Every time I have thought about snooping around the apartment area on Facebook cypress place which I think is what is for people with disabilities.  I get scared.  Like if a shooting occurs in Beaumont like today.  I get scared.  :'(   The one thing that makes me mad is that no one wants to deal with anyone with mental health issues.  Especially me with having Selective Mutism.  :'(  I have all the information about Selective Mutism.  You can ask me what you want to know. If I don't know that answer, I can ask an opinion from one of my groups I am in.    Why doesn't anyone want to deal with anyone who has mental health "issues"?  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  What are they avoiding?  Are they scared of me? Are they scared of my panic/anxiety attacks but in some way it comes out as "anger".  grrrrr 

I wonder if Jason giving me the challenge to speak counts as me giving myself a reward for speaking. Okay I'm giving myself a reward for that. 

Thursday April 29, 2021,   I got out of surgery at 11am on Thursday.  I had a really good dream but I forgot the dream as soon as I woke up from surgery.  When I woke up, I was craving a glass of really cold water.  Before I fell asleep before the surgery I was watching the blood pressure monitor and my blood pressure was kind of high.  But that was do to the anxiety level. Before the surgery, my anxiety level was about 10.  I took deep breaths and my blood pressure went down again.   Now I am craving two big apple fritters after I saw that one downstairs.  Friday April 30, 2021,    I earned my reward from yesterday.  That rice cooker at weight watchers.  What I'm thinking is that I cook the rice in portions.  If not, I have something else as a reward in mind.      This reward: https://www.ashtondrake.com/products/302966001_ping-lau-so-truly-real-mommys-girl-vinyl-baby-doll.html?cm_ite=3029660...

I think I shocked myself when I was speaking to the nurse at dr Powell's office.  I think I need myself a treat.  But no awarding myself with food!  I went to the ER and I have a kidney stone and gall stones rolling around inside me. Then on top of all of that "my friend came to visit".  Then I get the colonoscopy and I may need to have a procedure for my gall bladder. (New year's eve, attack)  My mind is being overactive if that is the word.  Like what if snip, snip goes the wrong thing or they cut into my back and I'm paralyzed for life. 😥😥😥    Why does everything have to happen at once?  😟😟😟  I was so anxious before the dr appointment about this colonoscopy.  Is it weird to have anxiety about eating food when you don't know what caused the kidney stone?    But I think I may have pulled a muscle when I was exercising with Pahla B Fitness on YouTube.  👀                ...