My Blog

I have been terrified of dying since I was about three years old and that was about in 1978. What did that mean? I am 47 and still afraid. What does that mean?  I remember when I was three and I was spending the night with my grandmother.  I believe it was a panic attack about death and dying. I don't know where I learned about death and dying when I was three. My little three-year-old heart was going 90 miles an hour. :'(  I was scared I did not know what to do and I could not speak to tell someone.  :'(  I wanted to tell someone but I literally could not.  I am getting scared all over again.  :'(   That's it! I believe that is what triggered my Selective Mutism!  I swear to god!  I don't know what else would trigger it but death and dying.  Who would even talk about death and dying in front of me?  I think it was my dad's dad that died when I was about three, or some kid talked about it when I was in preschool and I...

What would you call this mood when I start posting on Facebook about how fat I am and how I'm not ever going to lose this 100 pounds?  Would you call it depression? Anxiety?     

Well this morning about 30 minutes I was about an 8 after my workout. I was like kinda sweaty. The anxiety was about a 10 and the depression was about a 4.   Personal distress was at 5:30 pm I was the most distressed ever at about a 10.  I wouldn't say that was out of control.   Now right now I feel calm.   I'm going run tomorrow and take a rest day Friday.  I'll run Saturday and Sunday.  Sunday is when I do the "RUN DAY".  Like? Sunday, Funday, RUNday.  LOL! 

That anxiety right now is at 10!   I actually wanted to take a shower right now I could be done in 10 minutes.  I just set alexa for 10 minutes. I guess when I get anxious my tongue starts flying out. I don't even know I'm doing that until someone notices and tells me. OMG!      Why does it do that?  I feel hot right now. I am anxious right now.  The depression is down low right at the moment.  Anxiety: 10 Depression: 4

Is this true that people get anxious and eat everything in sight?   I am worried about this red spot on my neck. It randomly appears when the weather is dry. This is weird.  Well earlier it looked a lot worse than it does now.  Here is a picture of it before.   And here is what it looks like now.  It looks a lot better than it did. Well at least it's not red but now it looks like a dry rough patch.  I put Aloe vera on the red patch earlier and now I put a mix of baby oil and baby oil gel and aloe vera on that.   I was doing some light walking off the weight for January with Pahla B Fitness from January 18 to January 31 as I had to not run for two weeks.(doctors orders) I started up again after January 31.  Today, January 31, was the last day for that workout.  I wonder what she has next?  Otherwise, I will start over and do day 1 of walk off the weight for February 1st.  Yeah, she had uploaded a workout for February....

Is there any reason why I am falling asleep watching during the day shows that I recorded at night?  I have no problem sleeping at night.  I turn on google to play meditations what Jason and Karin call "bullshit".  I say don't knock it until you try.  Meditation works for me. When I tried it that first time back in 2014.   Yesterday jan26, I had an anxiety attack and today I had another anxiety attack. I felt like I was going to cry. I had just eaten a banana after my run so that couldn't have caused it. I am not sure what could have caused it. 😢 I feel like I'm going to cry on good days too.  Could it be depression of not being able speak ordos things like whatever others with selective mutism are doing. People who are living with selective mutism are living in their own apartment and driving a car.  But what if there is an accident? That is what I'm afraid of. I think the depression is back. 😢

I guess I went into Reborn labor this afternoon around 3pm. Her name is Lily Rose.  Now I'm wanting to put a new body on her. Guess who says that they will be heart broken if I do.  No Jason doesn't care if I change out the body of a reborn baby.  I guess I will have to say that Jason said that. :'(  I have a reborn kit all picked out and in my wishlist on bountifulbaby.com.   Here is a picture of Lily Rose. I thought of the name Lily Rose off the top of my head when I was posting to someone on facebook.