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Is there any reason why I am falling asleep watching during the day shows that I recorded at night?  I have no problem sleeping at night.  I turn on google to play meditations what Jason and Karin call "bullshit".  I say don't knock it until you try.  Meditation works for me. When I tried it that first time back in 2014.   Yesterday jan26, I had an anxiety attack and today I had another anxiety attack. I felt like I was going to cry. I had just eaten a banana after my run so that couldn't have caused it. I am not sure what could have caused it. 😢 I feel like I'm going to cry on good days too.  Could it be depression of not being able speak ordos things like whatever others with selective mutism are doing. People who are living with selective mutism are living in their own apartment and driving a car.  But what if there is an accident? That is what I'm afraid of. I think the depression is back. 😢

I guess I went into Reborn labor this afternoon around 3pm. Her name is Lily Rose.  Now I'm wanting to put a new body on her. Guess who says that they will be heart broken if I do.  No Jason doesn't care if I change out the body of a reborn baby.  I guess I will have to say that Jason said that. :'(  I have a reborn kit all picked out and in my wishlist on bountifulbaby.com.   Here is a picture of Lily Rose. I thought of the name Lily Rose off the top of my head when I was posting to someone on facebook. 

It's about that lady time.  I had cramps this afternoon. I thought I would just lie down and meditate for a meditation for big belly syndrome.  Or in which case, I found out that I was my time of month again.  I laid down rubbed my cramps for a little bit.  I was feeling really down. :'(  So I listened to mindfulness meditation for a while and then got up.  I still didn't feel all that great.  I still had a big belly.  When it's women time of month some gain a little bit of water weight before a woman's period.  Sorry, but if you don't want to read this, click out of this.  Just about periods. It's a natural part of a woman's life.  On a scale from one to ten, ten being the absolute worst and one being not at all.  Depression:  10 Anxiety: 10 

Today is the day that I got out of the hospital in Houston.  Now this week will come around when the 5th is on a Tuesday and I got admitted into the hospital on August 7th.  I was really struggling on August 5th.  I washed clothes once during that week when I was in the hospital.  On Friday August 15, I was going to take a real bath, with warm water not a cold shower.  The water was cold in the hospital and I couldn't figure out how to make it warm.  Why didn't I ask someone?  I was embarrassed.    On the 5th of August 2014,  I nearly shut the window on my little finger.  :'(   I was feeling depressed. let's see. I did not want to move back that pissed me off.  I wanted to try again and my mom would not let me try again. I would like to try supported living and see how that would do.  I have learned alot of things that I did not know years back but because no one understands Selective Mutism, I have to stay in th...

This little voice inside me from Selective Mutism is starting to sound like other people. The little voice is telling me not to do something because it costs money and that people will take advantage of me and take my money and run. Just like when I have an idea of wanting to get a Selective Mutism Supported living Group. For people with Selective Mutism and independent living. Just because people doesn't like the idea, I have to drop it! 😭 I have this anxiety in me that it just won't work out because of that stupid place Seville apartments. Just because someone tried force Sex on me over there, I had to move! He was over the age of 60 or 80. ewww gross. I could not scream or do anything at the time. I was frozen in that moment but whatever. 😭 Actually, Jason did spend the night with me not once but twice! And we um.... yeah. And yeah, I liked it! I just wonder if a supported living group is right for me now in this moment? I will be out of the loop of the informa...

Does anyone else feel like crying?  I worry about where I will be in 10 years. That quote does not work.  I still worry.  I keep reading it though.  Don't worry today about tomorrow.   I just feel like I'm going to cry all the time. 😥  I don't know. 😭       

Hey, when I was running this morning, I kept getting agitated that I felt fat.  :'(  I don't know why I felt that.  I don't know... I guess I'm feeling better now. meditation did not help. Well I guess it helped a little bit. :-/